Sorry I can’t be more upbeat since this is the first time I’ve written in weeks. But I’m feeling quite down today. I was up all night last night (despite being exhausted) with an earache and a book I just couldn’t stop reading. Today I am feeling the after effects. I woke up at 4:30pm because my friend called me. She had the day off and wanted to get together.
She changed her mind when she heard I was just waking up. Too bad too, because I really needed the companionship today. Now I know I’m about a week from the ‘ladies time’ of the month and so crying is inevitable around this time but still. I’ve been in tears all day. Everything seems to get me going today.
My internet (the one I pay out the ass for, the one that supposedly works everywhere) has been super slow for over a month now and has been giving me non-stop problems. I can’t download this movie I really want to see, I have no idea where the movie theater is or how to get there, and there isn’t anyone to see it with me even if I COULD find the place. I’ve been slacking with my work writing and I can’t seem to keep focused.
I’ve been so home-sick lately. Missing my family and my baby girl is killing me. It has been the main source of my tears today. I love Israel. I love being here, living here, making it my home. But I am so VERY lonely. I haven’t seen my family in a year, I don’t have any consistent friends here, my EX only calls me to harass me about the divorce papers (which I can neither afford to get notarized nor can I find someone to do it) and I haven’t been able to get a hang of how dating works here.
Some of my readers know about the dark things in my past. Some do not. For those who understand, it has been very hard for me here. I am by nature an emotional “relationship” kind of girl. I don’t do casual. Every “encounter” I have, means something to me. Here, if there ARE actual men who prefer relationships, they don’t prefer me. I am, without a doubt, a scumbag magnet!
Even the guys who seem so sweet and caring are really douchebags. Like the “religious” guys, who would NEVER bring shame to their families by marrying a girl like me but have no problem shtooping me in private. Or the “nice” guy who treats me with respect, doesn’t try anything with me because he likes me. He doesn’t want to “rush” into a relationship because he wants to get to know me first…. Until his male instincts take over and then the only thing we do when we spend time together is… well you get the point. Of course I’m forgetting the Jerk who acts like an amazing, kind, caring guy. He treats me like I’m important and he’s proud to be out with me… Until I find out he has a girlfriend who is “studying abroad” at the moment.
It’s a fundamental problem for me because I know who the good, kind, caring men are. The ones who really want to settle down with a wife and kids. They are religious guys. The ones who go on Shidduch dates, the ones who NEVER speak to me, even when I look all religious. But there is the fundamental problem. I cannot go on a Shidduch date (even though I’m curious to try it) because I haven’t finished the conversion yet. Even when its finished… the fact that I come from a secular family and I was married to an Israeli once before won’t help my cause.
I often find myself lying to people here, or rather not telling them the whole truth. It’s the only way to survive without being a complete outcast. If people knew my mom wasn’t Jewish… I would not be allowed to go to Shabbat dinners, or live with religious people. I would be chastised for keeping shabbat, religious people and even some regular (non-religious) Israelis wouldn’t speak to me. Most guys wouldn’t date me. It would just be a very hard and lonely life for me.
I really want either a VERY attentive boyfriend, or to just be left alone and stop being used and abused and bothered by all these disrespectful men who don’t really care about me. If they don’t care, why can’t they just leave me alone.
