Ma'ale Levona for Pesach

I love it out here. This land is truly touched by G-d. Everywhere you look people are getting ready for the hag. As each minute ticks by things begin to slow. Last minute preparations are made and families come together as the excitement sets in. I watch the slowly setting sun brush shadows across the vallies with more grace than a skilled painter. The wildflowers sway with the wind. They feel the joy in the air. They know spring is coming. The chickens crow with fury, and for good reason... Their bretherin weren't so lucky. They have made an appearance on our Seder plates tonight. I stare across to the next hill. There stands a tree. I've seen it before. It is the Gonani, the symbol of the north. It shows peace, beauty, and the natural creations of this land by G-d. It is a true symbol of life here. This place is unlike anything I have ever seen or will ever see again. This place truly brings me peace. As I retire to the ever advancing evening's festivities, I stop for a moment to hear the birds chirping, roosters crowing, and children playing. Life goes on as it always does. But for an instant, in this moment, it slowed just a little for me.

Good Morning Be'er Sheva!

It is such a beautiful morning here as I look out the window of my apartment. Despite having an awful night's sleep, and the passing of healthcare reform in the U.S., today looks bright and sunny and happy. Can't wait for the S&B tonight with my girls. Working on that second scarf now!

A Day To Remember

     I had been looking forward to today for weeks.  There were moments when I didn’t think it would happen, but it did and it was better than I could have hoped for.  I got to wake up next to Sam this morning, something I didn’t expect.  I don’t know how long it will last but I have learned to take life’s little joys where they come.  I had so much to do today to get ready for the Ballet.  After Sam left for work I got up and answered some emails.  I tried to take care of some personal business and then I got myself dressed and headed out to the mall.  I had shoes to buy.  I already found the dress courtesy of twentyfour.

The shoes were tricky.  All I could find were not so pretty shoes that they were charging $100-$250 for.  Clothes are NOT cheap here in Israel.  In fact, they are much more expensive than in the States at the SAME store.  I ended up purchasing a cute pair of black stiletto pumps from Zara.  They cost me about $35 and the look amazing.  Not too dressy, workable with casual wear, re-useable, and Sam approved.  it was the last store I went to at the mall.  I had my shoes but I was still missing pretty much everything I needed for my hair.  So I went to the big center.  I ran over to BeautyCare and bought everything… clips, hairspray, bobby pins, even extensions (which turned out to be this hideous orange color.  yuck!)  Got some lunch at McDonalds and went home to get started.

     My hair took hours.  I couldn’t figure out what the heck to do with it.  In the end I did a side swept bang and a bundle of curls.  Sam got home about 6:30 looking really good and of course… I wasn’t finished.  I worked fast and got my makeup on, then got dressed.  I came out of the room when I was done changing and Sam’s jaw fell open LITERALLY!  It was great.  All he could manage at first was “Wow!”  I felt amazing.  That was the reaction I wanted.  The Ballet was scheduled to begin at 7:30pm so we had to hurry.  I felt like a princess.  He opened my door and offered me his hand and escorted me to the theater.  The theater here is new, just a few months old, and it is amazingly beautiful.  Extremely small by American standards but lacking nothing.  Sam got us tickets dead center (great seats).  The show started about 15 minutes late (they were on Jewish time) But when it did… the show was beautiful.  Tchaikovsky's “Sleeping Beauty”  It was my first ballet.  Sam wasn’t thrilled about going but he sat through it anyway and I loved every minute of it.  Afterward, we came home to change and went out to Coca to eat.  Neither of us had eaten anything since early afternoon and by this time it was 11pm.  It was a really great night.  It ended as it should have, I fell asleep in bed next to Sam.   

Sam Speaks

While I still don’t know why he walked out, (Sam still won’t tell me) at least he’s speaking to me again. We’ve been out on a few dates since the incident and things seem to be going ok again. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions because I’m afraid if I let myself get too comfortable again, he will pull the rug out from under me. He still hasn’t moved back yet. He says he needs some time, that he will come back, he just needs to get his head together.

I can understand this and I am trying to give him his space and not push but it’s leaving me with a few issues of my own. It is taking a lot of effort to trust him. It’s not his fault, after years of every major man in my life taking and taking and giving back nothing… it takes its toll. But I WAS starting to trust him. He almost begged me to trust him. I let my guard down and gave him everything I had left. Literally the day before he left I looked into his eyes during a very intimate moment and told him I trusted him with my life. He walked out the next day. He still feels I have no right to be upset with him.

I am fighting the tough girl in me. The girl that says "Why the hell are you giving him so much power over you, stupid.” The girl who wants to go out of town for a few days to live it up with her girlfriends and not even tell him first. THAT girl wants to scream, screw you! THAT girl wants him to know she’s not at his beckon call. She’s not going to wait around pining over him hoping he will call and getting depressed when he won’t even call just to say good night. THAT girl wants to kick this girl’s ass because that girl knows we deserve better than waiting at home for her man to come back to her.

This situation makes me feel very pathetic. I feel like I’m just taking it. I am literally just waiting around for him to come home. No semblance of a life outside of him. He says he wants me to be more independent, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I think he wants me to be malleable, but strong enough to get a little aggressive when his mood requires. Does that make sense? He says I’m too tough girl… always looking for a fight, always needing to win. But what am I now? Weak? Pathetic?

He should be calling ME asking me where I am and why I didn’t call. Instead I wait around… afraid to make plans because maybe he’ll call and want to spend time with me. And when he DOES call… I jump at his will… drop everything I’m doing, and run to his side because I don’t know when the next time will be or if tomorrow… he might leave for good. He doesn’t get what it did to me when he walked out. He lost my trust. He has to earn it back again. But the way he made me feel when he finally talked to me was as if I was the bad guy. As if I should be earning HIS trust back. I wasn’t the one who walked out!!!

This is how I’ve been feeling… but of course I can’t say this to him because if I do he will get all offended and angry and “Your making this all about you again” on me and leave. And despite the fact that I’m not being entirely true to myself… I’d rather have him in my life. I don’t think I could survive without him and it scares me not only to death but into submission.

From the night we first talked... a little bit drink here.

I AM EYEORE!

:::DISCLAIMER:::    

First I would like to warn everyone… Despite what you read here, please do not call the cops on me or send me cryptic “I’m going to have you committed” emails.  I like to vent my pain and frustration.  Often this is the only place I can do it.  So despite my being severely depressed and in a world of pain right now… I will not kill myself.  I am too terrified of death to do it.  Or maybe I’m just too much of a coward.  Either way it is vastly unlikely.

Thank You.

Now…

     Sam Walked out on me yesterday.  I have no earthly idea why.  He refused to answer my phone calls and frantic texts all day yesterday until I threatened to call the police to find out if he was safe.  Then, all I got was “I am ok” is that all I’m worth to him?  This the man who swore he wanted to marry me and have a family with me.  He never even bothered to explain why he left.  I still don’t know, even now.  He has left me broken and in severe pain. 

     I have nothing.  I have no one.  Everyone here has their own problems, they can’t handle mine too.  My few options terrify me.  I can go crawling back to my ex’s family here in Israel and suffer a secluded and suffocated life with people who by definition should hate me or I can go crawling, groveling, and ass-kissing, my way back to the U.S. and beg my family and my Ex to take me back so that I can live in a country I can’t stand, suffering in a miserable marriage to a man who looks at me like property and without an ounce of passion. 

     I don’t have much in my life.  I never did.  People came into my life, took whatever they could and left before they could get stuck with me.  Everyone took from me.  My family took my spirit, because they couldn’t find solace in their own life… they took it from mine.  Misery loves company you know.  Men have taken my virtue over and over again both with and without my cooperation.  My Ex stole my ability to openly trust a commitment, and my thought that I was a good and decent wife.  He made me feel like I wasn’t worth loving. 

     Sam… G-d help me, but Sam is a man that I am head over heels, undeniably in love with.  Normally I am the one to walk out, leave the relationship before I get hurt, I never bother to make an effort when things get bad.  This man had me on my knees begging him to stay (the first time he tried to walk out) and I begged, gladly.  Maybe this is what HE will take from me… My self respect, my dignity, considering I am willing to chase him, but he won’t even follow me to another room.  Either way, he stole my heart and despite the fact that I told him I could not mentally handle having it broken again… that is exactly what he has been doing. 

     I have been trying to figure out, what are his intentions.  Maybe he is scared to commit to someone, I think he truly enjoys his solitude.  He keeps things from me without a reason… it makes me nervous.  I think he is even more skilled at pushing away someone he is beginning to love than I am.  And that is saying A LOT!  He has found every excuse he can and in this case… no excuse at all.  If he is looking to destroy another person, he has succeeded. 

     Even with my Ex, I may have walked out on him but I never considered an option of ending my life to avoid living without him in it.  With Sam… I’m worried to the point that I don’t think I should be alone.  Lucky for me this blog and these words give me a small comfort.  I feel as though there are people out there in the great cyberspace that are listening and sitting with me.    I feel empty.  Like he’s taken everything I had left and run away.  Now I’m left holding an empty bag wondering how I can fill it.  I have nothing more to give, nothing more to move forward with.  I didn’t have much left but what I had I gladly gave to him.  Now its gone and I’m empty.

     How much does G-d expect me to take?  How many times can I be hurt, violated and beaten down to nothing before I make an early exit from this life?  People tell me all the time that I am one of the strongest people they know.  I can’t see what they see.  I am so scared and unbelievably weak.  The difference between them and I is that I have grown accustom to the constant pain and emptiness, the abuse and hate that has filtered through my life for as long as I can remember.  I am use to giving everything I have and getting nothing in return.  I am use to giving everything I have until I have nothing left, and then giving them my very last breathe. 

     I am living with Sam.  He has told me repeatedly that if anything should happen to us that he would give me the apartment and help me with whatever (groceries, bills, connections) I needed to get on my feet.  I would not care so much if I could afford this apartment on  my own.  I can’t.  He expects me to take these things from him.  As if I can be bought or supported.  What does he want, a quickie every few days when his slutty one night stands fall through?  It makes me feel worthless.  It makes me feel like a high class hooker.  Even if he never asked for sex… I would still feel like his property.

     Aside from the way that situation makes me feel… he will have no home.  He will live with his mother.  How is that fair to him?  This is his home.  I need to leave this place as soon as I can.  I don’t think he will ever really know how much I love him and what place he keeps in my heart.  He never wanted to see it.  He didn’t want to see that he was worth loving, that he deserved better than what he had in his life up to that point.  I guess I am just one more person’s mistake.  I always was.  Even my father thinks so.  According to him… I should have been born a boy or not at all… and G-d knows I’ve disappointed him in life.  Like I said, just another mistake, just another notch in your bedpost, just another number to your growing list of those not good enough to make you happy.  

     You know… I have this issue when I’m depressed.  I like to over eat.  I mean BINGE.  I eat everything in sight and the higher calorie count the better.  So it causes another necessity… breakup anorexia.  Sounds crazy I know.  Especially since I had a small issue with this when I was a teenager.  But it is what it is… Option A or Option B and considering I’m being dumped… I prefer to be skinny as well. 

     So there you go… I have no job, I am running out of money, I’m starving my self voluntarily, I’ve yet again shown my parents that I am their number 1 screw up, I have no love in my life, and I’ve become a burden to the few people here who still love me.  I’m a mess.  I’m a big crying, depressed, ball of fattiness. 

I’M EYEORE!

The Shit Hit The Fan

     My family found out that I have a boyfriend.  It wasn’t planned.  I was just looking for a date or two to get use to the Israeli dating culture.  Instead I found an amazing guy and a meaningful relationship.  I hid this from my family and certain friends for the last two weeks because I thought there would be an excessive amount of judgment that I couldn’t handle.  I was right.  The backlash has started. 

     Last night Sam told my mom we were together.  I tried to tell him it would only make things harder for us, but I understood why he wanted to come out into the open with things.  He knows I hate lying and that keeping track of who knew the truth was taking its toll on me.  My mom seemed to take it fairly well at first.  I thought to my self, ok so she is relatively calm about it… maybe I can just let the truth flow and tell everyone the truth. 

     There is something you need to know about my family and their closest friends… they are the WORST kind of gossips.  The only way to keep your private life private is to either shut them out all together or lie.  Lying is usually the way I go as, for some ung-dly reason, despite knowing it would be better for me I can’t seem to cut them out all together.  

     Last night during the conversation Sam had with my mom it seemed as though everything would be ok.  So what you may ask was the cause of all the drama today?  :::dramatic music plays::: I changed my Facebook status.  OMG!  Yes I did it.  I confess.  I changed my Facebook status to say that I was in a Relationship.  This is the truth, but my mother freaked out and told me that I was slapping my Ex and his family in the face. 

     I was reminded that I had stayed with them “for free” (despite paying for groceries several times and paying the rent twice) for 6 months and now I moved out and was divorcing their son.  So how dare I slap their hospitality in the face.  Never mind that I sat in that house being a good little girl.  I never went out on a date, never hit on guys, never behaved with ill-approach for 6 months straight.  It was only after I decided to start dating Sam that moved out and got on with my life.  So how am I the bad person here?  Did he not tell me to go have sex with another man while we were married because he was too lazy to pay attention to me?  How is it that I get criticized over this.  Just because the divorce is not finalized. 

     I feel like I am being attacked.  I also feel like my family is more concerned with the emotional well being of my Ex than with me.  I am their daughter, I am going through a MUTUAL divorce.  I feel that I have to emphasize the “mutual” part because they forget that he wants a divorce too.  I moved to a new country with a new language, on the other side of the world.  You would think they would have a bit more compassion.  You would think that they would see that the fact that I found a new guy in my life who cares for me and is helping me find my way here is a great thing.  Something to be pleased about.

     I have seen more action with regards to establishing my new life in the few weeks Sam has been around than in the whole 6 months that my Ex and his family we’re supposedly “helping” me.  This is my life now and whether Sam and I are forever or for right now, this is what is making me happy and this is the choice I have made.  I will accept the consequences that come along with it, but those who pass judgments… may you be judged just as harshly. 

Mistakes of the Past Have a Way of Finding Us.

     You’ll have to forgive the vagueness of this post.  Occasionally I feel like I have to write, vent really and as much as I need to vent… there are some things that the public need not know in detail.

     I have begun to fall back in to old and terribly destructive habits.  I know I have an addictive personality.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out when you have impulse control issues.  I have worked so very hard to control what, in the past has controlled me.  Lately I have failed miserably. 

     I have made decisions that affect me on an emotionally unstable level.  I thought those things were behind me, that I have grown up and moved on.  I am still the same scared little girl I always was. 

     The main issue that I am referring to has me going out of my mind over thinking everything.  How can I be ashamed of myself and pleased with myself in the same moment.  I know I’ve ruined a potentially good thing by my actions, but I can’t bring myself to regret what I did.  I enjoyed myself, and for a moment, maybe the first moment in such a long time… I was happy.