Sam Speaks

While I still don’t know why he walked out, (Sam still won’t tell me) at least he’s speaking to me again. We’ve been out on a few dates since the incident and things seem to be going ok again. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions because I’m afraid if I let myself get too comfortable again, he will pull the rug out from under me. He still hasn’t moved back yet. He says he needs some time, that he will come back, he just needs to get his head together.

I can understand this and I am trying to give him his space and not push but it’s leaving me with a few issues of my own. It is taking a lot of effort to trust him. It’s not his fault, after years of every major man in my life taking and taking and giving back nothing… it takes its toll. But I WAS starting to trust him. He almost begged me to trust him. I let my guard down and gave him everything I had left. Literally the day before he left I looked into his eyes during a very intimate moment and told him I trusted him with my life. He walked out the next day. He still feels I have no right to be upset with him.

I am fighting the tough girl in me. The girl that says "Why the hell are you giving him so much power over you, stupid.” The girl who wants to go out of town for a few days to live it up with her girlfriends and not even tell him first. THAT girl wants to scream, screw you! THAT girl wants him to know she’s not at his beckon call. She’s not going to wait around pining over him hoping he will call and getting depressed when he won’t even call just to say good night. THAT girl wants to kick this girl’s ass because that girl knows we deserve better than waiting at home for her man to come back to her.

This situation makes me feel very pathetic. I feel like I’m just taking it. I am literally just waiting around for him to come home. No semblance of a life outside of him. He says he wants me to be more independent, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I think he wants me to be malleable, but strong enough to get a little aggressive when his mood requires. Does that make sense? He says I’m too tough girl… always looking for a fight, always needing to win. But what am I now? Weak? Pathetic?

He should be calling ME asking me where I am and why I didn’t call. Instead I wait around… afraid to make plans because maybe he’ll call and want to spend time with me. And when he DOES call… I jump at his will… drop everything I’m doing, and run to his side because I don’t know when the next time will be or if tomorrow… he might leave for good. He doesn’t get what it did to me when he walked out. He lost my trust. He has to earn it back again. But the way he made me feel when he finally talked to me was as if I was the bad guy. As if I should be earning HIS trust back. I wasn’t the one who walked out!!!

This is how I’ve been feeling… but of course I can’t say this to him because if I do he will get all offended and angry and “Your making this all about you again” on me and leave. And despite the fact that I’m not being entirely true to myself… I’d rather have him in my life. I don’t think I could survive without him and it scares me not only to death but into submission.

From the night we first talked... a little bit drink here.