Tel Aviv, The Hostel, & The Aftermath

     My trip to Tel Aviv was great for the most part.  I had an amazing time at my Hostel.  I met a bunch of really great people.  There was a group from Australia who were so sweet.  An older guy who was travelling the country making a documentary on Israeli history asked me for my input.  A soldier in the I.D.F. forewarned me about the impending Lebanese war.  And a very nice young man from New England getting his Phd. in sociology kept me company on the beach.

     The beach was amazing.  The feel of the sun on my skin was exactly what I had needed.  The ocean lapping up the shoreline was the perfect soundtrack to a much needed vacation.  Watching the paddle ball players and their “friendly” games keeping me entertained.  At night I enjoyed a beachfront workout and de-stressing.  What a great way to spend the holiday.

     The only part that sucked was the sunburn, and the fact that the guy I REALLY like blew me off.  That part truly sucked. I was supposed to go see a movie with him after the Hoilday (Shavuot) in Tel Aviv.  I called him several times and sent texts and he never responded.  I ended up wandering the boardwalk alone that night in my date dress and sexy beach hair.  It was such a waste of a cute outfit. 

[A week later, said guy told me he was sorry that we missed the movie.  He claimed he “forgot”.  Really ‘O’?!  Did you forget the 3 phone calls and 2 texts I sent over the holiday too?  Men… so full of shit!]

Until Next Time

A

A New Home, A New Hope

     Well this trip didn’t start as well as I’d hoped.  The girl I was supposed to meet with blew me off.  It would have made for an awful trip except it was Yom Yerushalaim!  I didn’t do anything special, just walked around, people watched, listened to music, and enjoyed the day.  I was planning to stay at a hostel on Jaffa Street but they lost my reservation.  So I had to stay by a friend. 

     Today i went all over the city trying to find an apartment.  I finally found one in a good Schuna (neighborhood) within walking distance of the old city.  The rental is only for the summer but it should give me time to settle in to my new hometown. 

     Now I’m sitting in my favorite alcove, across from Rimon in the new mall.  I love watching the people pass by.  It’s a healthy mix of tourists and locals.  The locals range from Israeli street kids, Arabs, and couples enjoying a date night.  A bride and her husband-to-be descend the stairs.  Everyone stops to look at them.  Even the sun stops setting to shine it’s light on the couple.  As they walk away hand in hand, the crowd breathes a sigh of awe at her beauty.   New Love.  There is nothing more special or beautiful.

     Oh Boy!  Hot hat guy is back.  There is this really handsome guy who always wears a hat working at Rimon.  He has amazing arms, and mocha skin.  I’m too embarrassed to say hi.  It’s something women regularly do here, but I’ve never been that bold (unless I was drunk).  Besides, the last time I tried to show a guy I liked him I looked pretty pathetic.  Dating always makes me feel like a loser.

     It was so hot all day today and now that the sun is setting, it’s cooling off so fast.  I guess that just tells you how strong the sun is here.  It can go from 90*F in the day to the low 50’s at night.  And it’s only MAY!

     I met some Taglit kids tonight.  I love when they’re here.  I love talking to them, telling them how I made Aliayh and why, giving the kids advice on extending their trip.  I had a great chat with a group from Michigan State.  I had a really relaxing night.

The Decision, The Test

     On my way to Jerusalem to see an apartment.  I don’t really want this place but I think I’m going to take it anyway.  It’s cheap, in a decent area, and available immediately.  I really just want to be in town and start my life over again.

     My family is coming to Israel next month and I really want to be in town when they get here.  I know their visit is a test for me.  I am aware that my father will be getting a report as soon as they see me.  I want them  to report that I look great!  I want them to brag about my Hebrew, and my weight loss.  I want my family to believe me when I tell them that this was the right choice for me.

     It all starts with the apartment and the job.  I can feel it in my soul.  This is the right decision.  This is where I am meant to be!

Time Keeps Turning

It's a strange feeling being single again. Some days I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's been years since I've dated, but the men haven't changed. Sitll pigs, and forever boys that never become men. It's so hard to find one's self after a bad ending and a rocky re-start.
My first attempts at dating have failed miserably and the few times I've met someone I'm really interested in, he either wasn't interested or I made an idiot of myself trying to show him I liked him. I guess I'm really out of practice. It doesn't help that i'm stepping back into the game in a different country with a different culture. That part makes all of this so much harder.
People here are split. Half genuinely want to help you. The other half want something from you and it's usually quite nefarious. The problem is that it's not always clear who is who. For instance, there is a guy who seems like a very nice man who really wants to see me get settled. He's also persuing me romantically (I think). He's a 42 year old guy I met in Jerusalem. So I have to ask... What the hell does he want with a 25 year old divorcee? The truth is, I can't figure it out (aside from the obvious) but I know it creeps me out a little. It's too bad because he seems like a nice guy. A good friend. C'est la vie!
Life continues in a whirlwind around us and all we can do is hope get a small taste. This life seems to race past me and before I have time to appreciate the moment its gone. I take a deep breath and another moment passes me by. You think I would learn to pay closer attention by now but it continues to take me by surprise.
Another breath, another moment. Won't this life slow down and wait just one minute for me to catch up?!

Finally!! On The Road!

Turned in my application for Aliyah to the NBN office on Sunday!  Yay!  Now I’m just looking for an apartment.  Hopefully I can find one within the next two weeks.

It’s been sooo hot here over the last few days.  Going to take a cold shower and call it an early night.

Lila Tov!

I Just Want This All To End!

I’m beginning to scare myself.  I’m going out of my mind.  I’m so stressed and I feel like everything is falling apart at my feet.  I’m falling into a bad depression.  I can’t find any work and I feel like my Aliyah is going nowhere. 

I’m beginning to think I should just go home.  Back to the US.  But what do I have to come back to?  My family is always so judgmental about me and treat me very harshly, my friends talk about me behind my back, and my husband doesn’t love me and doesn’t think our marriage was ever worth his time.

I know this next part sounds crazy… bear with me.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward.  Maybe if I was braver I could just kill myself and be done with it.  There are a few things that I still want to do in my life.  One is to be a mother… something that at this point in my life seems impossible.  I would love to travel to Italy, Egypt, France….all HIGHLY unlikely.

I always had a feeling that I was meant to live a short life on this earth.  Like I wasn’t destined to do great things, just make a short appearance and go.  I feel even more like this now.  I really want to just go away.  To be gone.  I don’t want to be with my family, or with my friends, I don’t want to deal with this earth anymore. 

I know I am a drain on so many people.  So many people hate me and feel I am a nuisance to them, so why don’t I just make their lives easier?  I have nothing left anyway. No home, no career, no loving family, even my husband abandoned me.  I thought when I got married that I would have an advocate.  Someone who would be on my side and be all the family I needed, since my family was never very loving or supportive.  What I got was a selfish man who never really cared about what I needed. He constantly made me doubt if he ever cared at all.

I think sometimes, about how I would do it… would I leave a note?  Video tape it?  Would I just cut, swallow some type of chemical, or maybe jump?  Would it be fast or slow? 

Its not like I’m not looking for another option.  I even sought out my mother tonight.  I wanted someone to talk to.  She started telling me about how the state of my marriage was my own fault, my husband did nothing wrong.  It was all on me.  How I should just get over it and move on.  This is pretty typical of her… but tonight I didn’t need it.  After I told her I wanted my husband to have to move on too, start over just like I did… she ignored me and never bothered to continue my conversation, despite knowing I was very upset.

I don’t want to do this anymore… I just really want this all to end.  Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me so I didn’t have to do this myself.  How much longer can this go on?

Random Thought

     My Mother-in-Law… When I’m no longer wanted in this family, and I no longer see her…

I will miss her smell.  Weird I know.  But no matter what perfume she wears or what she’s doing, she always has the same scent.

Baby Powder and Wild Flowers

It’s heavenly.  She always smells so lovely.  Everything she touches always leaves a faint trace of it.  I will really miss that!