I Just Want This All To End!

I’m beginning to scare myself.  I’m going out of my mind.  I’m so stressed and I feel like everything is falling apart at my feet.  I’m falling into a bad depression.  I can’t find any work and I feel like my Aliyah is going nowhere. 

I’m beginning to think I should just go home.  Back to the US.  But what do I have to come back to?  My family is always so judgmental about me and treat me very harshly, my friends talk about me behind my back, and my husband doesn’t love me and doesn’t think our marriage was ever worth his time.

I know this next part sounds crazy… bear with me.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward.  Maybe if I was braver I could just kill myself and be done with it.  There are a few things that I still want to do in my life.  One is to be a mother… something that at this point in my life seems impossible.  I would love to travel to Italy, Egypt, France….all HIGHLY unlikely.

I always had a feeling that I was meant to live a short life on this earth.  Like I wasn’t destined to do great things, just make a short appearance and go.  I feel even more like this now.  I really want to just go away.  To be gone.  I don’t want to be with my family, or with my friends, I don’t want to deal with this earth anymore. 

I know I am a drain on so many people.  So many people hate me and feel I am a nuisance to them, so why don’t I just make their lives easier?  I have nothing left anyway. No home, no career, no loving family, even my husband abandoned me.  I thought when I got married that I would have an advocate.  Someone who would be on my side and be all the family I needed, since my family was never very loving or supportive.  What I got was a selfish man who never really cared about what I needed. He constantly made me doubt if he ever cared at all.

I think sometimes, about how I would do it… would I leave a note?  Video tape it?  Would I just cut, swallow some type of chemical, or maybe jump?  Would it be fast or slow? 

Its not like I’m not looking for another option.  I even sought out my mother tonight.  I wanted someone to talk to.  She started telling me about how the state of my marriage was my own fault, my husband did nothing wrong.  It was all on me.  How I should just get over it and move on.  This is pretty typical of her… but tonight I didn’t need it.  After I told her I wanted my husband to have to move on too, start over just like I did… she ignored me and never bothered to continue my conversation, despite knowing I was very upset.

I don’t want to do this anymore… I just really want this all to end.  Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me so I didn’t have to do this myself.  How much longer can this go on?