A Very Heavy Head Today

     I feel like hell.  I think I got the flu again.  I know I have a fever, but I also have body aches, and I woke up after only 6 hours of sleep and couldn’t get back to bed.  It’s my own fault.  I was already a little sick and then I went out drinking the other night.  WTF is wrong with me?  It’s like I’m trying to torture myself.

     In other news… I am so sick of the men here.  It’s like college all over again.  Why the hell do I let these men use me?  Mistreat me?  I’m a freakin’ catch.  I’m beautiful, dedicated, loyal, passionate, intelligent, a great cook, an awesome wife, and I have the potential to be an amazing mom. 

     I don’t get it?  Why do all the assholes find me?  It’s like they hunt me down, like a bloodhound… they can smell me.  It’s not like the good guys are always so decent either.  Take my Husband for example… He’s a decent guy, he was always respectful while we were dating, but he took me for granted.  He expected I would just lay at his feet, serving his every need without one thought for what I needed.

     I don’t want to air dirty laundry but I need to vent.  My family thinks this divorce is my fault.  They think I’m a major bitch and I always treated my husband like garbage.  It’s funny how people outside of a situation are so blind to what really goes on.  Little did they know that he would be affectionate to me in public and around my family but as soon as we were at home, in the bedroom, nothing.  He was cold and uncaring.  He had no desire to have an intimate relationship with me.  He told me he hated sex!?@#@  What man hates sex with a woman, unless he’s gay?

     I would do everything for him.  I gave him everything I had.  I took care of him, cleaned up after him, cooked for him, handled every bureaucratic aspect of his life so as not to cause him the stress of handling it himself.  He didn’t appreciate any of it.  I never asked for much from him.  All I asked for was his support in my conversion and to make time for his family.  I just wanted him to put work down, come home earlier from work at 6 or 7pm instead of 8 or 9pm, when he gets home, help me out a little, put his laptop down and spend some time with me.  Sports scores can wait, looking at bluetooths and faceplates can wait… You don’t see your wife or spend time with her EVER.  What do you expect to happen? 

     You ignore me, take me for granted, and decided that your dreams should and always do come before mine.  You show no compassion for what I go through and you don’t care that I suffer because I cannot have a family or truly feel apart of my Jewish soul.  You break every promise you ever made me and tell me that promises mean nothing to you.  What do you expect me to do?  Do you really expect me to continue to be your lapdog?  How is that love?  How is that a marriage?  What about my happiness, my dreams?

What The Hell Am I Doing?

It's such a beautiful night in Be'er Sheva. It feels like Florida without the humidity. lol

The heat wraps around me like a warm blanket. The breeze, both gentle and comforting, blows whisps of my hair from my face. The warm summer breeze keeps me cool and calm. That's a good thing because my mind is racing. Right now there is a nice guy sitting in his apartment feeling very confused right now. I was supposed to go hang out with him at his house and I cant bring myself to go. It didn't help that I got lost on the way.
I've been sitting here trying to figure out why I'm acting like this. I've been under a tremendous amount of pressure lately. It comes at me from all sides. Both here and back in the US. My father is sick, I still have no job, and I've been having an awful time trying to date again.
Dating is stressful in itself. Trying to explain to these guys how I'm still technically married, or how I'm not really Jewish... Not to them anyway. Then there is the question of whether or not the guy just wants a "piece of ass" or not.
Maybe that's why I didn't go see this guy tonight... He doesn't have cable, or a DVD player, he didn't ask me to dinner or coffee. So I have to ask... What exactly did he plan on doing with me tonight? I don't want to jump into bed with anyone anymore. Not until I can clear my head and figure out what I need.
Do you hear that guys?!? NO MORE SEX!!!
It's not like I assume that of this guy. He was acually quite respectful last night. But I still don't want to go to his house. BTW, I feel like an asshole for standing him up.
I can't explain why but I'm really hurting right now. I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me?!

Oh Boy!

     Wow!  I realized how ranty and bitter I sounded last night.  Sorry everyone… and sorry to the men of Israel who are one of a kind and not all drama-filled, commitment phobic, momma’s boys.  I guess being single again is taking its toll on me.  I’m not very much fun without a boyfriend. 

Anyway, I’ll make a post about the soldier’s memorial day later.  Just wanted to say I’m sorry and I’m not a psycho! 

Thanks All!

Two Steps Forward, Four Years Back

     This dating thing is hard!  It’s made only harder by the fact that I am currently living in my Ex’s family’s house.  My life makes me laugh like there’s no tomorrow.  I live a Soap Opera, every single day.  Even on a slow day things get pretty dramatic.  Dating has not been easy on me these last few months.

     I have been having trouble recently trying to figure out what I want from my life at this point.  Its such a hard situation.  On one hand I’ve already done the committed “I gave up my life for you” thing with my Ex.  So at this point I want MY life, and I feel I deserve it!  Another problem is that I’ve been jerked around for years by my Ex and I don’t want to sit around for another year or three for some new guy to know if he’s sure.  It seems rash, but I want kids, like now.  It’s hard to tell that to a guy.  '”Sorry buddy I know we just met but I need a commitment, a ring, and a few kids from you… Pronto!”  It doesn’t exactly work. 

     I have been looking for a guy that is on the same page as me.  A man who wants the same things, but, it’s a tall order.  Most men here my age aren’t ready for a steady girlfriend let alone a marriage and kids.  And most of the men ready for marriage and kids are in their 30’s and have serious issues, because, well… lets face it… they’re 30 something and still single.  I’ve been getting to know a bunch of guys to see who interests me… that is what I’ve seen.

     In Israel it usually goes like this… Men 25-27 want a girlfriend but not a marriage.  They want a steady sex buddy, but they want to still go out and get drunk and go to the club with their boys.  They are usually just starting to look for a career or just getting started working in one.  The last thing on their minds are children.  Then you have the 28-31 year old men who are usually fairly career focused but have spent the last few years getting nagged by their mothers to settle down and so they are ready to commit.  They are looking for a long term relationship with the possibility of marriage and kids but nothing immediate.  The upper end of that category are men who have been burned or are emotionally stunted and have had issues committing in the past.  After them comes the 32-36 year old guys.  They have issues!  Most of them anyway.  It could be mommy, it could be daddy, it could be the ex girlfriend they caught screwing their best friend in their bed while they were out at the gym.  Either way, these guys usually have issues of some kind stopping them from getting married.  The last group is the 37-45 year olds.  These guys aren’t so bad.  They can commit, but that’s usually because you are their second or even third go around.  They hardly ever want kids because… well… they already have them.  These are usually the guys I avoid because I don’t want to go there until I’m at least 30.

     Ok so I’m ranting a little.  These are just my observations, and it’s not ALL men, just the average.  But this is what it has been like.  I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I’m fairly young by Israeli dating standards, but I’ve already done the marital waiting game.  I want to be in a committed marriage and I want to start having children.  No Delay!  That hurts my prospects a lot here.  Plus it’s usually a 50/50 shot as to whether they are willing to deal with my situation with my Ex AND who my mother is.  Usually one or the other is a deal breaker.  Makes me wish I’d gotten it right the first time.  Or wonder why I didn’t say yes the first three times men asked me to marry them.  What a difference one decision makes on your life. 

     This why I say… I’m two steps forward and four years back.

Feeling Lonely Are We?

     Wow, It’s been so long since I posted.  I am so sorry for ignoring you.  I will try to catch you up on what has been going on (and there has been a lot).  Where to start? 

     Well… I guess I should start by saying that Sam and I broke up.  It happened over the course of a few days.  He walked out on me a few more times (three to be exact) and I decided it was time to show him how it felt.  So I left.  I ended up with my stuff at my friend’s apartment in her spare room.  This of course was just before Passover so… Not such a good time.  Anyway, he took that to mean I had abandoned the relationship (funny how it wasn’t that way when he did it) and decided to stop speaking to me.  After Passover he sent me a message via facebook to tell me he “wanted out”. 

     If there is any reason I hate technology this is it… I hate when men (or women) use technology to break up or say bad news because they aren’t “MEN” enough to say it to your face.  No Balls!  Anyway… It took me a week or so to realize that he was moving on and didn’t really care.  I started to try to move on too.  I ended up back at my ex’s house… (no choice) and began to look for someone else.

     I met a few nice guys, and one in particular.  He was a new citizen too, English speaker, sweet guy.  We hung out a few times and got to know each other a bit better.  I like the guy but there are a few issues.  One… he’s going back to his home country for a few months to work, Two…  He has self professed commitment issues, and Three… I’m not sure if the passion is entirely there.  It’s hard to tell with passion… Sometimes it’s slow forming, other times it comes immediately.  I really don’t know the guy well enough to be sure yet.  But with the 2 month break… part of me is asking what’s the point… Do you want to wait to find out?

     I really want to be friends with the guy.  I think he’s a great person, and it would be nice to have a westernized friend, but I don’t know how much more I want.  When he comes back I’d be happy to give it another try, but I think I want to keep looking while he’s gone.  Is that bad?