A Very Heavy Head Today

     I feel like hell.  I think I got the flu again.  I know I have a fever, but I also have body aches, and I woke up after only 6 hours of sleep and couldn’t get back to bed.  It’s my own fault.  I was already a little sick and then I went out drinking the other night.  WTF is wrong with me?  It’s like I’m trying to torture myself.

     In other news… I am so sick of the men here.  It’s like college all over again.  Why the hell do I let these men use me?  Mistreat me?  I’m a freakin’ catch.  I’m beautiful, dedicated, loyal, passionate, intelligent, a great cook, an awesome wife, and I have the potential to be an amazing mom. 

     I don’t get it?  Why do all the assholes find me?  It’s like they hunt me down, like a bloodhound… they can smell me.  It’s not like the good guys are always so decent either.  Take my Husband for example… He’s a decent guy, he was always respectful while we were dating, but he took me for granted.  He expected I would just lay at his feet, serving his every need without one thought for what I needed.

     I don’t want to air dirty laundry but I need to vent.  My family thinks this divorce is my fault.  They think I’m a major bitch and I always treated my husband like garbage.  It’s funny how people outside of a situation are so blind to what really goes on.  Little did they know that he would be affectionate to me in public and around my family but as soon as we were at home, in the bedroom, nothing.  He was cold and uncaring.  He had no desire to have an intimate relationship with me.  He told me he hated sex!?@#@  What man hates sex with a woman, unless he’s gay?

     I would do everything for him.  I gave him everything I had.  I took care of him, cleaned up after him, cooked for him, handled every bureaucratic aspect of his life so as not to cause him the stress of handling it himself.  He didn’t appreciate any of it.  I never asked for much from him.  All I asked for was his support in my conversion and to make time for his family.  I just wanted him to put work down, come home earlier from work at 6 or 7pm instead of 8 or 9pm, when he gets home, help me out a little, put his laptop down and spend some time with me.  Sports scores can wait, looking at bluetooths and faceplates can wait… You don’t see your wife or spend time with her EVER.  What do you expect to happen? 

     You ignore me, take me for granted, and decided that your dreams should and always do come before mine.  You show no compassion for what I go through and you don’t care that I suffer because I cannot have a family or truly feel apart of my Jewish soul.  You break every promise you ever made me and tell me that promises mean nothing to you.  What do you expect me to do?  Do you really expect me to continue to be your lapdog?  How is that love?  How is that a marriage?  What about my happiness, my dreams?