What The Hell Am I Doing?

It's such a beautiful night in Be'er Sheva. It feels like Florida without the humidity. lol

The heat wraps around me like a warm blanket. The breeze, both gentle and comforting, blows whisps of my hair from my face. The warm summer breeze keeps me cool and calm. That's a good thing because my mind is racing. Right now there is a nice guy sitting in his apartment feeling very confused right now. I was supposed to go hang out with him at his house and I cant bring myself to go. It didn't help that I got lost on the way.
I've been sitting here trying to figure out why I'm acting like this. I've been under a tremendous amount of pressure lately. It comes at me from all sides. Both here and back in the US. My father is sick, I still have no job, and I've been having an awful time trying to date again.
Dating is stressful in itself. Trying to explain to these guys how I'm still technically married, or how I'm not really Jewish... Not to them anyway. Then there is the question of whether or not the guy just wants a "piece of ass" or not.
Maybe that's why I didn't go see this guy tonight... He doesn't have cable, or a DVD player, he didn't ask me to dinner or coffee. So I have to ask... What exactly did he plan on doing with me tonight? I don't want to jump into bed with anyone anymore. Not until I can clear my head and figure out what I need.
Do you hear that guys?!? NO MORE SEX!!!
It's not like I assume that of this guy. He was acually quite respectful last night. But I still don't want to go to his house. BTW, I feel like an asshole for standing him up.
I can't explain why but I'm really hurting right now. I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me?!