Random Writings, Short Story

Working Title: Destinies Collided

 

He strolled over as though he owned the entire park.  The confidence of a man much older than his years.  His dark handsome features and striking good looks were not lost on her.  She found herself smiling just a little.  She wondered if it was out of cheerful delight or mild shock.  After all, men like him don’t associate with girls like her.

Not that she was of ill character of course.  She, of average height, blonde hair, green eyes, and a beautiful smile, was actually of quite a resonable character.  She was kind, compassionate, generous, but also firey, a passion for the things and people she cared for that was unmatched by those around her.

No, no, her character was not the problem.  What was clear, however was that they came from two very different worlds.  He the learned scholar, son of an Ivy League man.  Her, the product of a middle class upbringing and the respectable but average education that went with it.  Yes, that was it… it must have been a smile of shock.  But he was so very nice to look at.

As if to confirm her conclusion, he spoke to her, and with shock she smiled again.  They discussed the basics of course, where they both were from, what they had studied, how long they had lived in the area.  With each common answer they found themselves connecting.  She saw something interesting in him.  Something different than other men with his background.

They were enjoying their conversation so much, the young man didn’t even notice when his friends left him behind.  The next thing they knew they were having drinks and playing darts at the bar down the street.  She was enjoying his company immensely and the conversation never let up. 

The had been sitting at the bar, just talking for the better part of an hour.  She just couldn’t stop staring at him.  The chemistry was overwhelming.  She’d never seen such fire in a man like him before.  She was itching to know where it came from.

They continued to talk endlessly about everything, business, politics, religion, football.  She relentlessly teased him about his stuffy lifestyle and how he didn’t fit in with the others at all.  it was at one of these moments he shocked her again.

She was going on about how men of his status couldn’t be bothered with romance, or heat and how most men of his ilk couldn’t even kiss properly.  Before she knew what was happening, this tall, sexy stranger took her face in his hand, looked into her eyes and kissed her.

She thought to herself that she must be dreaming.  He was warm, strong, but not aggressive, and all she could see were flames.  Who was this man, kissing her like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment?  Who was this man?

 

***OK It’s late… To Be Continued

Homeless in Jerusalem

So, since most of you don’t know…

I have been living in Jerusalem for the last 4 months.  I was lucky to find a sublet in a beautiful neighborhood called Rechavia.  I love it here.  It’s close to town, cafes, the old city, an amazing park called Gan Sacher.  It’s pretty much within walking distance to EVERYTHING. 

I have been so happy here.  But alas, it is only a sublet and next week I have to leave.  It has been a nightmare looking for a new place.  I can’t seem to find anything.  It has had me very stressed and even brought me to tears many nights.

I have just starting the packing process.  Trying to keep out only what I will need for the next week.  It is scary and a bit weird packing without knowing where I’m going to be living next week.

I’ve spent two months looking for a place.  I’ve looked all over the internet, talked to friends, random people I’ve met.  NOTHING.  I have no idea what to do.  I hope G-d has a plan cause I’m all out of ideas.

 

XOXO

A

A Poem/Song for My Mom

I miss you in the morning, when my heart wakes up alone.

I miss you in the evening, cause this cold room just don’t feel like home, I miss you.

And it’s all that I can do, I’m just callin’ to say I miss you.

The sun is hot the sky is blue but my heart feels cold, I’m without you.

I sit and have a coffee, I think of things and times that past.

Memories that just don’t fade, last year seems so far away.

How did we get here I can’t tell.  Life jumped up, I tripped and fell.

When I stood my world was gone.  I’m left alone but life moves on.

I’m a little lost, my heart is pained.  My spirit’s here but my soul is drained cause I miss you.

And it’s all that I can do, I’m just callin’ to tell you that I miss you too…

I Feel Like Worthless Trash

This guy sent me a text message today asking me if I wanted to go to eat something with him.  I thought, maybe… why not.   I asked him what he had in mind.  His response: “a little to eat, a little sex.”

Wow, Is this really how people see me?  A trashy little piece of ass they can just call up or text for a quicky?  I fee like garbage.  These men make me feel like I am worthless with nothing to offer anyone except a roll in the sack. 

I haven’t  thought so little of myself in a very long time.  My heart is aching.  It’s bad enough I have been feeling so very lonely without my family and friends, but now, I’m beginning to see myself as these men see me.  No better than the local whore.

 

On a less perverse note… but only slightly less perverse.

The Gay Pride Parade is today.  And it’s being held in Jerusalem!  Seriously.  I was shocked, and also wondering how big the protest by the Haradim would be.  I wonder if the parade is anything like it is in the US?  Those guys get wild, and oh so colorful. 

At least there is something for me to smile and/or laugh about today.

Sorry For The Tone

     Sorry I can’t be more upbeat since this is the first time I’ve written in weeks.  But I’m feeling quite down today.  I was up all night last night (despite being exhausted) with an earache and a book I just couldn’t stop reading.  Today I am feeling the after effects.  I woke up at 4:30pm because my friend called me.  She had the day off and wanted to get together. 

     She changed her mind when she heard I was just waking up.  Too bad too, because I really needed the companionship today.  Now I know I’m about a week from the ‘ladies time’ of the month and so crying is inevitable around this time but still.  I’ve been in tears all day.  Everything seems to get me going today.

     My internet (the one I pay out the ass for, the one that supposedly works everywhere) has been super slow for over a month now and has been giving me non-stop problems.  I can’t download this movie I really want to see, I have no idea where the movie theater is or how to get there, and there isn’t anyone to see it with me even if I COULD find the place.  I’ve been slacking with my work writing and I can’t seem to keep focused.

     I’ve been so home-sick lately.  Missing my family and my baby girl is killing me.  It has been the main source of my tears today.  I love Israel.  I love being here, living here, making it my home.  But I am so VERY lonely.  I haven’t seen my family in a year, I don’t have any consistent friends here, my EX only calls me to harass me about the divorce papers (which I can neither afford to get notarized nor can I find someone to do it) and I haven’t been able to get a hang of how dating works here.

     Some of my readers know about the dark things in my past.  Some do not.  For those who understand, it has been very hard for me here.  I am by nature an emotional “relationship” kind of girl.  I don’t do casual.  Every “encounter” I have, means something to me.  Here, if there ARE actual men who prefer relationships, they don’t prefer me.  I am, without a doubt, a scumbag magnet!

     Even the guys who seem so sweet and caring are really douchebags.  Like the “religious” guys, who would NEVER bring shame to their  families by marrying a girl like me but have no problem shtooping me in private.  Or the “nice” guy who treats me with respect, doesn’t try anything with me because he likes me. He doesn’t want to “rush” into a relationship because he wants to get to know me first…. Until his male instincts take over and then the only thing we do when we spend time together is… well you get the point.  Of course I’m forgetting the Jerk who acts like an amazing, kind, caring guy.  He treats me like I’m important and he’s proud to be out with me… Until I find out he has a girlfriend who is “studying abroad” at the moment.

     It’s a fundamental problem for me because I know who the good, kind, caring men are.  The ones who really want to settle down with a wife and kids.  They are religious guys.  The ones who go on Shidduch dates, the ones who NEVER speak to me, even when I look all religious.  But there is the fundamental problem.  I cannot go on a Shidduch date (even though I’m curious to try it) because I haven’t finished the conversion yet.  Even when its finished… the fact that I come from a secular family and I was married to an Israeli once before won’t help my cause. 

     I often find myself lying to people here, or rather not telling them the whole truth.  It’s the only way to survive without being a complete outcast.  If people knew my mom wasn’t Jewish… I would not be allowed to go to Shabbat dinners, or live with religious people.  I would be chastised for keeping shabbat, religious people and even some regular (non-religious) Israelis wouldn’t speak to me.  Most guys wouldn’t date me.  It would just be a very hard and lonely life for me.

     I really want either a VERY attentive boyfriend, or to just be left alone and stop being used and abused and bothered by all these disrespectful men who don’t really care about me.  If they don’t care, why can’t they just leave me alone.

Misrad Hapanim

It was my first trip to Misrad Hapanim. And to be honest... It went flawlessly. I was happily surprised. I guess when you hold low expectations of people they impress you much more often. I was in and out in about 30 minutes. I guess that's a win for the Israeli government. And a win for me too. One step closer to finishing my Aliyah.

Xoxo

A

I Got Delayed

     Sorry I have been M.I.A.  My new job doesn’t leave me much room for personal writing.  Plus so much has happened… Like I got my Israeli Citizenship!  WOO HOO!

So I will be writing another blog to update everyone on what’s been happening but I wanted to let you know that I got a taste of Israeli bureaucracy today when I was informed for the first time that one office that I already met with was supposed to give me a document in order to be seen by another office in order for the first office to process my benefits.  Did you get all that?  Yeah… I almost didn’t either.  But I’m nothing if not thorough so I’m off to the Misrad HaPanim (the government and citizenship office, like the DMV) to get my Passport entries and exits so I can be seen next Sunday by the Misrad HaKlitah (new immigrant office) to get some information on my benefits, be processed for those benefits and get another paper that I have to take to my bank, the post office (to sign up for healthcare oddly enough), and several other places.

Whew…. Being a new citizen is a full time job all on its own.  I hope my other jobs don’t fire me.  Soooo much on my head at the moment.  Not to mention that I have family in town AND my friend from Tel Aviv came to stay with me at the worst possible time for a week long vacation in which I was the personal tour guide.

This Aliyah thing is harder than they make it sound in the brochure. 

Learning Curve Moment

     WARNING:  In Israel… Frozen Yogurt is NOT ice cream.  It is quite literally FROZEN VANILLA YOGURT!!!

     It’s sour and bitter and not all that tasty for someone who doesn’t like yogurt.

YUCK!!!!

xoxo

A

The Sound of Emotions

     There is a specific song from my High School Summertime days that I absolutely loved… still do.  It reminded me of cruising the causeway with my best girlfriend and beach bunny Lady R.  We would have the most amazing time soaking up the sun, picking up boys, and taking tastefully trashy bikini photos.  Sounds like a great song right?  A wonderful reminder of my younger and more carefree days?  I thought so too.

     Unfortunately this song was playing when something tragic and devastating happened to me.  It left me scared for years.  I couldn’t even think of the song without getting chills.  I would have thought, almost ten years later, that it would pass.  I would have thought it would feel like just a bad dream.  But one day a few weeks ago, this song popped up on my internet radio rotation and it hit me. 

     I thought I was going to be sick, literally and physically sick all over my laptop.  It really rocked me to my core.  I didn’t think the memory of that day would continue to haunt me even now.  I tried a few more times to listen to the song, hoping it was just the shock of hearing it after so long.  NOPE! 

     I guess I’m just permanently scared.  It’s too bad.  I really did love that song.  It deeply bothers me that any one person has the power to leave such an indelible mark on who I am and what I’ve become.  Such a shame. 

     Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  It is true… to an extent.  But sometimes circumstances arise that are beyond one person’s control and people can leave a rip in your soul that is almost impossible to repair.  I can say this for First Lady Roosevelt, she got one thing right…

 “A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”

     For everything I’ve been through and all the crazy stuff I’ve seen… I am so much stronger having lived through it and come out on the other side. 

Never let anyone tear you down!

xoxo

A

Major Don’t

     Fashion faux pas at the Coffee Shop Cafe in Rehavia…  Tiffany’s Blue nail polish with matching Cardigan sweater?  Eww…

Major DON”T ladies.  Never match your nails with your clothes! 

Just a tip… the new “in” shade is a dark burgundy.  It slims the hands and creates a classic contrast that fits with almost any outfit.

Just a reminder… mathcy matchy does not make fashion.

xoxo

A

No More Babysitting!

     I decided that I’d had enough of the daycare.  It was very draining of my energy but aside from that… I couldn’t handle getting sick with all of their kiddie germs and getting bitten was the last straw.  I’m looking for a new job, which, admittedly will take a lot of effort considering my lack of Hebrew.  But I’m determined to make it work. 

     I know my family will be pissed that I quit before finding a new job but I just couldn’t do it.  I will try to pinch my pennies and avoid expensive luxuries.  Like today for instance.  I didn’t have proper internet at my apartment so I decided to go camping.  Virtual camping that is… I walked to Aroma in Mamilla and have been sitting for several hours looking for work.  I’ve submitted about a dozen resumes, spent hours reading the employment websites, and updated my resume to reflect any changes.  All for under 50 Shekels.

     It might still seem a bit expensive but considering my much desired Netstick is 350 Shekels plus an additional 130 Shekels a month for the next 3 months… I think it was a more reasonable alternative.  Plus I’m getting the opportunity to download the entire third season of Gossip Girl for my off hours amusement.  What am I going to do when I’m finished?  How will I ever wait for next season?

     On a personal note… I went out on a date for coffee yesterday.  It was a bust.  The guy was nice and all but he was either really shy, or really boring, or both.  Either way there were too many awkward silences to count.  Toward the end of things (about an hour or two, though it felt more like six) I, rudely I admit, went on my computer and played Farmville just to keep myself entertained. 

     I really just wanted him to say ‘ok I’m going back home’ and leave.  But it didn’t happen.  Even though I told him I needed to stay and finish working on my Job search and writing.  He asked me to continue the date with a movie, or going back to his house, or joining me for tea at mine… to each I said no thank you.  No hint was received.  Today he told me what a great time he had yesterday.  Was I on the same date?  We didn’t have a thing to talk about.  I kept trying to provoke a conversation with little tidbits of things he told me or questions about his life, but nothing…

     I guess I should have known.  He looked like the “shy” type.  I don’t do well with those guys.  I need someone who can keep up with my charisma without outshining me.  I know I can be a lot to take in and it can be difficult to keep up with me but i don’t think I’m asking for a lot.  Just a confident (but not too cockey) guy with good hygiene and a little bit of a tough guy façade.  Sure there are other preferences but that is a good starting point.

     I’m beginning to think that G-d is intending for me to be a beautiful, powerful, permanent bachelorette with (hopefully) an amazing career.  That is something I could get behind.  AB, international blogger.  AB, Assistant to the Prime Minister.  AB, Likud Party Leader.  Has a bit of a ring to it doesn’t it! 

     Ok my lovelies… this little birdie needs to go have some chick time.  Until the next story breaks!

xoxo

A

One Is The Loneliest Number

     I have never felt more completely alone than I have over the last two days.  As those who follow me on Twitter and Facebook may or may not be aware… I have been horribly sick for the last week or so.  I was dangerously close to hospitalization over the last two days.

     I have had a sore throat and headaches for about a week now.  On Monday, while at work, spots started appearing on my skin.  I was convinced I had caught Chickenpox.  Now, I’m not so sure.  I stayed home Tuesday from work to get Medical advice about the spots (which appear to be going away, BTW).  I wasn’t feeling all that great Wednesday morning so I stayed home from work again.  Good thing I did.  At about 11am I started to feel nauseous and was unable to move very far.  Throughout the day my fever raged on higher and higher.  I became slightly delirious and my head was racing with thoughts that prevented me from sleeping any of it off. 

     Sometime during the last two days, on one of my many trips to the bathroom my roommate offered me some water.  Aside from that, my human contact was limited.  My Mom really has no way to contact me except through Facebook (of which she did not say one word of worry) and my Ex could care less about my well being anymore.  So despite my pleading for help from friends via my social output, I did not receive a single phone call or visitor. 

    All I wanted was for someone to check on me and/or take me to the hospital.  But since I had 0 minutes on my phone, and no one within an hour drive of me thought I was important enough to worry about, I laid in my bed, sweating out a VERY painful fever.  At about 10pm Wednesday night the fever finally began to break and I was able to fall asleep.  I slept through the entire day today.  I seriously woke up at about 6pm after a few false alarms.  I woke up CRAVING pizza.  And since I hadn’t eaten in 2 days I thought I would treat myself.  One large Pineapple pizza with extra sauce on the side please!

     Life here has been really difficult.  Especially with the looming divorce.  But I never realized how alone I really was until this incident.  I realized I have no truly dear friends (friends like Ms. Ames back home) who would stick with me and help me mend myself.  I have no family here, of that I have been made VERY clear, and I am completely loveless, without even a concerned boyfriend to make my heart feel less empty.  I have nothing and no one.  Which has made this experience, hands down, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do on my own.

     It is with great sadness in my heart that I go about my day tomorrow.  It is with depression and girlyness that I spend tonight eating pizza and watching Gossip Girl alone in my room.

All for now my dears,

A

With Every Rise Must Come A Fall

     I have had a really bad few days.  Aside from the sore throat I had been fighting, I had a rough day at work yesterday.  The kids were cranky as ever, and one of the kids (that I’m ashamed to say… I REALLY dislike) bit me!  I have a bruise on my arm now.  That kid is so lucky that I have at least some control of my anger.  All I wanted to do was smack the shit out of him and tell his mother what awful children she had raised (he’s a twin).  This kid and his brother are whiney, selfish, spoiled, undisciplined little brats and I really don’t like working with them.  WOW.  SOOO glad I didn’t tell his mom that.  hehe. 

     Also, as if my day weren’t bad enough… I think I caught the chickenpox.  I was working away that morning when one of the girls said… “Amy, what are all those spots on you?”  I looked and sure enough the two or three spots I found a few days ago had turned into dozens.  They were all over my arms, back and tummy.  They didn’t itch but I knew enough to know I was in for a bad week.  Adult chickenpox are very dangerous and miserable.  Needless to say I had a bad day.  Except that they hired a new girl who is really nice and she speaks English.  It was the highlight of my day. 

     The night got worse.  I decided to take the day off of work today to re-coupe and check the spots so last night when some guys I met last week called and invited me out for drinks with them and their friends I thought why not.  I had hoped it would help take my mind off of the spots and impending itchiness.  When they called I was in a cafe on Azza Street having some dinner and getting some writing done.  I was content to stay there but since they called, I raced back home to get cleaned up.  After a quick shower, I did my hair, makeup and got dressed then walked 20 minutes or so to the city center.  When I got there I tried to call the guys to see where we were to meet.  They answered “Who is this?” when I called.  That pissed me off.  I just walked all the way downtown, while sick and covered in spots just for you to blow me off?  In the end I had to spend 20 Shekels for a cab ride home.  What a waste.

      Today had its highs and lows.  Admittedly, mostly lows, but at least I got to sleep in until noon.  After I woke up I watched some tv that I downloaded at the cafe yesterday and decided to go get myself a mobile Net stick.  I pre-planned my bus route as I usually do, only the bus stop wasn’t were it was supposed to be.  So I walked… and walked… and walked.  Then I stopped for directions and found out I had walked in the wrong direction and it was another 20 minute walk.  At that point I just caught a cab.  $5 later I got to orange only to find out that the pre-paid net stick would cost me over $130 up front.  That was cash I didn’t have at the moment.  So I went home (Oh and P.S.  there was another orange store 10 minutes away from my house that I didn’t know about, nice huh?).  Or so I though.  I asked a soldier at the bus stop which bus to get on to go to the central station.  She told me 67 so I got on the 67.  Well apparently I missed the stop and ended up all the way on the other side of town in a VERY religious neighborhood, wearing tight pants and a brightly colored top. (BAD IDEA!) 

     After riding the bus for what seemed like 40 minutes I asked someone for directions.  They told me to take another bus.  so I got off and waited another 20 minutes for the next bus.  I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing, so I paid the driver and proceeded to walk toward the back of the bus.  Oops… little did I know until it was too late that it was a split bus.  This means that the men sit up front and the women go to the back.  This is done for modesty reasons.  So I have now offended every Hasidic man on the bus by walking past them in my tight ass jean pants.  I did notice after a second and said I’m sorry the whole way to the woman’s section (because there were other people behind me.) 

     After my major woops and all around bad day I needed a smile, so I put on a song that I thought would cheer me up.  Hanson’s Mmm Bop.  It did the trick.  I giggled like a little girl through the whole song.  It was made more humorous by the religious men and women all around me.  I was so out of place that I laughed at myself.  I ended up riding the bus until the very last stop.  After everyone got off the bus I started to panic.  I went to the driver and asked him where I was.  We had a largely one sided conversation in Hebrew and he offered to drive me to the street I needed to go to.  It was very sweet of him.  He was cute too… I should have asked for his number.  Hmm… Oh well.  It was the second nice thing to happen to me today.  In the midst of all the crap… the nice things should be counted. 

    I decided to spend what little money I had on groceries.  So I stopped at SuperSal on the way home.  I bought stuff to make a lemon salad (nowhere near as good as Jakin’s but I tried) I used zucchini, carrots, and this yummy veggie called Colorabi.  I’ve never seen it in the US but its sorta like a flavor cross between a an apple and a cucumber or something.  In any case, its mucho tasty.  I also bought some instant noodles and hotdog fixin’s.  Ooo, almost forgot good thing number three.  I found a shekel on the ground on the way home.  I’m going to use it for Tzedakah (charity).  It’s my personal mantra.  I use found money for either charity or to do something nice for someone.  Karma. 

     I had the hotdogs for dinner and discussed our current apartment problem with my roomie “E”.  My suspicions from my late night critter scare last week were correct.  We have mice or rats, we’re not 100% sure.  Either way, the traps are set and we’re ready to go a huntin’!  While our un-invited guest is facing his short lived destiny, I will be spending a relaxed evening watching tv online.

Night Ya’ll!

Residential Shabbat

I spent my first Shabbat in Jerusalem as a resident this week. I thought it would be terrible because most of my friends left the city for Shabbat. Some parts were better than others but for the most part. It turned out great.

I worked with Taglit on Friday morning. I finished about 2pm so after I got home and took a shower and a nap (the nap was a necessity), there wasn’t a lot of time to go shopping for Shabbat. That being said, I had no food for Shabbat. That part sucked. I decided to go to the Kotel for the beginning of Shabbat and hoped that someone would invite me for Kiddush. I got dressed in a modest outfit, a white skirt, black quarter-length sweater and flats. I walked 20 minutes to the Kotel and enjoyed a bit of prayer by the wall.

I prayed for two of my family members who were diagnosed with skin cancer in the last week and said Amidah. Afterward I just walked around, smiled and enjoyed the view. I hoped someone would strike up a conversation with me but no. Literally… NO ONE talked to me. So at about 10pm I walked home without an invite and no dinner. It was sad.

I woke up the next morning at 8am (I slept in) and decided to clean the apartment a bit and then go to the park (Gan Saker). I made it to the park at about noon. I worked out for about an hour, then changed into more modest clothes, as I was planning on walking down to the Kotel again. Instead, I got invited to a picnic with a bunch of Americans that was happening right next to my workout spot.

It was a lovely picnic and I met some really nice people. I also got the 411 on all of the local happenings. In the evening I got home, took a shower, and went to bed early. It was a really nice Shabbat. Even if it didn’t go quite as planned. It reminded me of why I started keeping Shabbat in the first place. It was peaceful, just the way it should be.

Next week… I think another picnic Saturday morning would make a great idea.

It’s All Coming Together

     As my Ex would say… “Change your place, change your luck.”  I guess it’s an old Hebrew saying.  Well, it has proven right again.  I am settled into my new apartment in Jerusalem.  I have had a great few nights here with two exceptions… No washing machine, and no internet.  I am planning on buying a mobile Net Stick to rectify this situation.  As for the washing machine… I guess I’ll just have to suffer for now.

     Oh I forgot to mention… I got a job.  I spent the whole day today taking care of kids from newborns to 3 year olds.  It was so much fun and now I am going to get paid for it.  Everyone there is so nice and the kids are great.  They are teaching me Hebrew and I am teaching them English.  Its a good exchange and we speak at about the same level.  LOL

     Tomorrow I am working with the Taglit kids again.  It’s just for the day but I love doing it so I figured why not.  As for the moment… I am just getting dressed then I’m going into town to get a beer and relax in celebration of my new life coming together so beautifully.

     So on an additional note, I should be getting served with divorce papers soon.  The Ex filed them in court through a paralegal last week. 

I just want to say thank you to my loyal readers and friends who have stuck by me and had all the confidence in me that I didn’t have in myself. 

I love you guys.

Tel Aviv, The Hostel, & The Aftermath

     My trip to Tel Aviv was great for the most part.  I had an amazing time at my Hostel.  I met a bunch of really great people.  There was a group from Australia who were so sweet.  An older guy who was travelling the country making a documentary on Israeli history asked me for my input.  A soldier in the I.D.F. forewarned me about the impending Lebanese war.  And a very nice young man from New England getting his Phd. in sociology kept me company on the beach.

     The beach was amazing.  The feel of the sun on my skin was exactly what I had needed.  The ocean lapping up the shoreline was the perfect soundtrack to a much needed vacation.  Watching the paddle ball players and their “friendly” games keeping me entertained.  At night I enjoyed a beachfront workout and de-stressing.  What a great way to spend the holiday.

     The only part that sucked was the sunburn, and the fact that the guy I REALLY like blew me off.  That part truly sucked. I was supposed to go see a movie with him after the Hoilday (Shavuot) in Tel Aviv.  I called him several times and sent texts and he never responded.  I ended up wandering the boardwalk alone that night in my date dress and sexy beach hair.  It was such a waste of a cute outfit. 

[A week later, said guy told me he was sorry that we missed the movie.  He claimed he “forgot”.  Really ‘O’?!  Did you forget the 3 phone calls and 2 texts I sent over the holiday too?  Men… so full of shit!]

Until Next Time

A

A New Home, A New Hope

     Well this trip didn’t start as well as I’d hoped.  The girl I was supposed to meet with blew me off.  It would have made for an awful trip except it was Yom Yerushalaim!  I didn’t do anything special, just walked around, people watched, listened to music, and enjoyed the day.  I was planning to stay at a hostel on Jaffa Street but they lost my reservation.  So I had to stay by a friend. 

     Today i went all over the city trying to find an apartment.  I finally found one in a good Schuna (neighborhood) within walking distance of the old city.  The rental is only for the summer but it should give me time to settle in to my new hometown. 

     Now I’m sitting in my favorite alcove, across from Rimon in the new mall.  I love watching the people pass by.  It’s a healthy mix of tourists and locals.  The locals range from Israeli street kids, Arabs, and couples enjoying a date night.  A bride and her husband-to-be descend the stairs.  Everyone stops to look at them.  Even the sun stops setting to shine it’s light on the couple.  As they walk away hand in hand, the crowd breathes a sigh of awe at her beauty.   New Love.  There is nothing more special or beautiful.

     Oh Boy!  Hot hat guy is back.  There is this really handsome guy who always wears a hat working at Rimon.  He has amazing arms, and mocha skin.  I’m too embarrassed to say hi.  It’s something women regularly do here, but I’ve never been that bold (unless I was drunk).  Besides, the last time I tried to show a guy I liked him I looked pretty pathetic.  Dating always makes me feel like a loser.

     It was so hot all day today and now that the sun is setting, it’s cooling off so fast.  I guess that just tells you how strong the sun is here.  It can go from 90*F in the day to the low 50’s at night.  And it’s only MAY!

     I met some Taglit kids tonight.  I love when they’re here.  I love talking to them, telling them how I made Aliayh and why, giving the kids advice on extending their trip.  I had a great chat with a group from Michigan State.  I had a really relaxing night.

The Decision, The Test

     On my way to Jerusalem to see an apartment.  I don’t really want this place but I think I’m going to take it anyway.  It’s cheap, in a decent area, and available immediately.  I really just want to be in town and start my life over again.

     My family is coming to Israel next month and I really want to be in town when they get here.  I know their visit is a test for me.  I am aware that my father will be getting a report as soon as they see me.  I want them  to report that I look great!  I want them to brag about my Hebrew, and my weight loss.  I want my family to believe me when I tell them that this was the right choice for me.

     It all starts with the apartment and the job.  I can feel it in my soul.  This is the right decision.  This is where I am meant to be!

Time Keeps Turning

It's a strange feeling being single again. Some days I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's been years since I've dated, but the men haven't changed. Sitll pigs, and forever boys that never become men. It's so hard to find one's self after a bad ending and a rocky re-start.
My first attempts at dating have failed miserably and the few times I've met someone I'm really interested in, he either wasn't interested or I made an idiot of myself trying to show him I liked him. I guess I'm really out of practice. It doesn't help that i'm stepping back into the game in a different country with a different culture. That part makes all of this so much harder.
People here are split. Half genuinely want to help you. The other half want something from you and it's usually quite nefarious. The problem is that it's not always clear who is who. For instance, there is a guy who seems like a very nice man who really wants to see me get settled. He's also persuing me romantically (I think). He's a 42 year old guy I met in Jerusalem. So I have to ask... What the hell does he want with a 25 year old divorcee? The truth is, I can't figure it out (aside from the obvious) but I know it creeps me out a little. It's too bad because he seems like a nice guy. A good friend. C'est la vie!
Life continues in a whirlwind around us and all we can do is hope get a small taste. This life seems to race past me and before I have time to appreciate the moment its gone. I take a deep breath and another moment passes me by. You think I would learn to pay closer attention by now but it continues to take me by surprise.
Another breath, another moment. Won't this life slow down and wait just one minute for me to catch up?!

Finally!! On The Road!

Turned in my application for Aliyah to the NBN office on Sunday!  Yay!  Now I’m just looking for an apartment.  Hopefully I can find one within the next two weeks.

It’s been sooo hot here over the last few days.  Going to take a cold shower and call it an early night.

Lila Tov!

I Just Want This All To End!

I’m beginning to scare myself.  I’m going out of my mind.  I’m so stressed and I feel like everything is falling apart at my feet.  I’m falling into a bad depression.  I can’t find any work and I feel like my Aliyah is going nowhere. 

I’m beginning to think I should just go home.  Back to the US.  But what do I have to come back to?  My family is always so judgmental about me and treat me very harshly, my friends talk about me behind my back, and my husband doesn’t love me and doesn’t think our marriage was ever worth his time.

I know this next part sounds crazy… bear with me.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward.  Maybe if I was braver I could just kill myself and be done with it.  There are a few things that I still want to do in my life.  One is to be a mother… something that at this point in my life seems impossible.  I would love to travel to Italy, Egypt, France….all HIGHLY unlikely.

I always had a feeling that I was meant to live a short life on this earth.  Like I wasn’t destined to do great things, just make a short appearance and go.  I feel even more like this now.  I really want to just go away.  To be gone.  I don’t want to be with my family, or with my friends, I don’t want to deal with this earth anymore. 

I know I am a drain on so many people.  So many people hate me and feel I am a nuisance to them, so why don’t I just make their lives easier?  I have nothing left anyway. No home, no career, no loving family, even my husband abandoned me.  I thought when I got married that I would have an advocate.  Someone who would be on my side and be all the family I needed, since my family was never very loving or supportive.  What I got was a selfish man who never really cared about what I needed. He constantly made me doubt if he ever cared at all.

I think sometimes, about how I would do it… would I leave a note?  Video tape it?  Would I just cut, swallow some type of chemical, or maybe jump?  Would it be fast or slow? 

Its not like I’m not looking for another option.  I even sought out my mother tonight.  I wanted someone to talk to.  She started telling me about how the state of my marriage was my own fault, my husband did nothing wrong.  It was all on me.  How I should just get over it and move on.  This is pretty typical of her… but tonight I didn’t need it.  After I told her I wanted my husband to have to move on too, start over just like I did… she ignored me and never bothered to continue my conversation, despite knowing I was very upset.

I don’t want to do this anymore… I just really want this all to end.  Sometimes I wish someone would just kill me so I didn’t have to do this myself.  How much longer can this go on?

Random Thought

     My Mother-in-Law… When I’m no longer wanted in this family, and I no longer see her…

I will miss her smell.  Weird I know.  But no matter what perfume she wears or what she’s doing, she always has the same scent.

Baby Powder and Wild Flowers

It’s heavenly.  She always smells so lovely.  Everything she touches always leaves a faint trace of it.  I will really miss that!

A Very Heavy Head Today

     I feel like hell.  I think I got the flu again.  I know I have a fever, but I also have body aches, and I woke up after only 6 hours of sleep and couldn’t get back to bed.  It’s my own fault.  I was already a little sick and then I went out drinking the other night.  WTF is wrong with me?  It’s like I’m trying to torture myself.

     In other news… I am so sick of the men here.  It’s like college all over again.  Why the hell do I let these men use me?  Mistreat me?  I’m a freakin’ catch.  I’m beautiful, dedicated, loyal, passionate, intelligent, a great cook, an awesome wife, and I have the potential to be an amazing mom. 

     I don’t get it?  Why do all the assholes find me?  It’s like they hunt me down, like a bloodhound… they can smell me.  It’s not like the good guys are always so decent either.  Take my Husband for example… He’s a decent guy, he was always respectful while we were dating, but he took me for granted.  He expected I would just lay at his feet, serving his every need without one thought for what I needed.

     I don’t want to air dirty laundry but I need to vent.  My family thinks this divorce is my fault.  They think I’m a major bitch and I always treated my husband like garbage.  It’s funny how people outside of a situation are so blind to what really goes on.  Little did they know that he would be affectionate to me in public and around my family but as soon as we were at home, in the bedroom, nothing.  He was cold and uncaring.  He had no desire to have an intimate relationship with me.  He told me he hated sex!?@#@  What man hates sex with a woman, unless he’s gay?

     I would do everything for him.  I gave him everything I had.  I took care of him, cleaned up after him, cooked for him, handled every bureaucratic aspect of his life so as not to cause him the stress of handling it himself.  He didn’t appreciate any of it.  I never asked for much from him.  All I asked for was his support in my conversion and to make time for his family.  I just wanted him to put work down, come home earlier from work at 6 or 7pm instead of 8 or 9pm, when he gets home, help me out a little, put his laptop down and spend some time with me.  Sports scores can wait, looking at bluetooths and faceplates can wait… You don’t see your wife or spend time with her EVER.  What do you expect to happen? 

     You ignore me, take me for granted, and decided that your dreams should and always do come before mine.  You show no compassion for what I go through and you don’t care that I suffer because I cannot have a family or truly feel apart of my Jewish soul.  You break every promise you ever made me and tell me that promises mean nothing to you.  What do you expect me to do?  Do you really expect me to continue to be your lapdog?  How is that love?  How is that a marriage?  What about my happiness, my dreams?

What The Hell Am I Doing?

It's such a beautiful night in Be'er Sheva. It feels like Florida without the humidity. lol

The heat wraps around me like a warm blanket. The breeze, both gentle and comforting, blows whisps of my hair from my face. The warm summer breeze keeps me cool and calm. That's a good thing because my mind is racing. Right now there is a nice guy sitting in his apartment feeling very confused right now. I was supposed to go hang out with him at his house and I cant bring myself to go. It didn't help that I got lost on the way.
I've been sitting here trying to figure out why I'm acting like this. I've been under a tremendous amount of pressure lately. It comes at me from all sides. Both here and back in the US. My father is sick, I still have no job, and I've been having an awful time trying to date again.
Dating is stressful in itself. Trying to explain to these guys how I'm still technically married, or how I'm not really Jewish... Not to them anyway. Then there is the question of whether or not the guy just wants a "piece of ass" or not.
Maybe that's why I didn't go see this guy tonight... He doesn't have cable, or a DVD player, he didn't ask me to dinner or coffee. So I have to ask... What exactly did he plan on doing with me tonight? I don't want to jump into bed with anyone anymore. Not until I can clear my head and figure out what I need.
Do you hear that guys?!? NO MORE SEX!!!
It's not like I assume that of this guy. He was acually quite respectful last night. But I still don't want to go to his house. BTW, I feel like an asshole for standing him up.
I can't explain why but I'm really hurting right now. I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me?!

Oh Boy!

     Wow!  I realized how ranty and bitter I sounded last night.  Sorry everyone… and sorry to the men of Israel who are one of a kind and not all drama-filled, commitment phobic, momma’s boys.  I guess being single again is taking its toll on me.  I’m not very much fun without a boyfriend. 

Anyway, I’ll make a post about the soldier’s memorial day later.  Just wanted to say I’m sorry and I’m not a psycho! 

Thanks All!

Two Steps Forward, Four Years Back

     This dating thing is hard!  It’s made only harder by the fact that I am currently living in my Ex’s family’s house.  My life makes me laugh like there’s no tomorrow.  I live a Soap Opera, every single day.  Even on a slow day things get pretty dramatic.  Dating has not been easy on me these last few months.

     I have been having trouble recently trying to figure out what I want from my life at this point.  Its such a hard situation.  On one hand I’ve already done the committed “I gave up my life for you” thing with my Ex.  So at this point I want MY life, and I feel I deserve it!  Another problem is that I’ve been jerked around for years by my Ex and I don’t want to sit around for another year or three for some new guy to know if he’s sure.  It seems rash, but I want kids, like now.  It’s hard to tell that to a guy.  '”Sorry buddy I know we just met but I need a commitment, a ring, and a few kids from you… Pronto!”  It doesn’t exactly work. 

     I have been looking for a guy that is on the same page as me.  A man who wants the same things, but, it’s a tall order.  Most men here my age aren’t ready for a steady girlfriend let alone a marriage and kids.  And most of the men ready for marriage and kids are in their 30’s and have serious issues, because, well… lets face it… they’re 30 something and still single.  I’ve been getting to know a bunch of guys to see who interests me… that is what I’ve seen.

     In Israel it usually goes like this… Men 25-27 want a girlfriend but not a marriage.  They want a steady sex buddy, but they want to still go out and get drunk and go to the club with their boys.  They are usually just starting to look for a career or just getting started working in one.  The last thing on their minds are children.  Then you have the 28-31 year old men who are usually fairly career focused but have spent the last few years getting nagged by their mothers to settle down and so they are ready to commit.  They are looking for a long term relationship with the possibility of marriage and kids but nothing immediate.  The upper end of that category are men who have been burned or are emotionally stunted and have had issues committing in the past.  After them comes the 32-36 year old guys.  They have issues!  Most of them anyway.  It could be mommy, it could be daddy, it could be the ex girlfriend they caught screwing their best friend in their bed while they were out at the gym.  Either way, these guys usually have issues of some kind stopping them from getting married.  The last group is the 37-45 year olds.  These guys aren’t so bad.  They can commit, but that’s usually because you are their second or even third go around.  They hardly ever want kids because… well… they already have them.  These are usually the guys I avoid because I don’t want to go there until I’m at least 30.

     Ok so I’m ranting a little.  These are just my observations, and it’s not ALL men, just the average.  But this is what it has been like.  I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I’m fairly young by Israeli dating standards, but I’ve already done the marital waiting game.  I want to be in a committed marriage and I want to start having children.  No Delay!  That hurts my prospects a lot here.  Plus it’s usually a 50/50 shot as to whether they are willing to deal with my situation with my Ex AND who my mother is.  Usually one or the other is a deal breaker.  Makes me wish I’d gotten it right the first time.  Or wonder why I didn’t say yes the first three times men asked me to marry them.  What a difference one decision makes on your life. 

     This why I say… I’m two steps forward and four years back.

Feeling Lonely Are We?

     Wow, It’s been so long since I posted.  I am so sorry for ignoring you.  I will try to catch you up on what has been going on (and there has been a lot).  Where to start? 

     Well… I guess I should start by saying that Sam and I broke up.  It happened over the course of a few days.  He walked out on me a few more times (three to be exact) and I decided it was time to show him how it felt.  So I left.  I ended up with my stuff at my friend’s apartment in her spare room.  This of course was just before Passover so… Not such a good time.  Anyway, he took that to mean I had abandoned the relationship (funny how it wasn’t that way when he did it) and decided to stop speaking to me.  After Passover he sent me a message via facebook to tell me he “wanted out”. 

     If there is any reason I hate technology this is it… I hate when men (or women) use technology to break up or say bad news because they aren’t “MEN” enough to say it to your face.  No Balls!  Anyway… It took me a week or so to realize that he was moving on and didn’t really care.  I started to try to move on too.  I ended up back at my ex’s house… (no choice) and began to look for someone else.

     I met a few nice guys, and one in particular.  He was a new citizen too, English speaker, sweet guy.  We hung out a few times and got to know each other a bit better.  I like the guy but there are a few issues.  One… he’s going back to his home country for a few months to work, Two…  He has self professed commitment issues, and Three… I’m not sure if the passion is entirely there.  It’s hard to tell with passion… Sometimes it’s slow forming, other times it comes immediately.  I really don’t know the guy well enough to be sure yet.  But with the 2 month break… part of me is asking what’s the point… Do you want to wait to find out?

     I really want to be friends with the guy.  I think he’s a great person, and it would be nice to have a westernized friend, but I don’t know how much more I want.  When he comes back I’d be happy to give it another try, but I think I want to keep looking while he’s gone.  Is that bad?

Ma'ale Levona for Pesach

I love it out here. This land is truly touched by G-d. Everywhere you look people are getting ready for the hag. As each minute ticks by things begin to slow. Last minute preparations are made and families come together as the excitement sets in. I watch the slowly setting sun brush shadows across the vallies with more grace than a skilled painter. The wildflowers sway with the wind. They feel the joy in the air. They know spring is coming. The chickens crow with fury, and for good reason... Their bretherin weren't so lucky. They have made an appearance on our Seder plates tonight. I stare across to the next hill. There stands a tree. I've seen it before. It is the Gonani, the symbol of the north. It shows peace, beauty, and the natural creations of this land by G-d. It is a true symbol of life here. This place is unlike anything I have ever seen or will ever see again. This place truly brings me peace. As I retire to the ever advancing evening's festivities, I stop for a moment to hear the birds chirping, roosters crowing, and children playing. Life goes on as it always does. But for an instant, in this moment, it slowed just a little for me.

Good Morning Be'er Sheva!

It is such a beautiful morning here as I look out the window of my apartment. Despite having an awful night's sleep, and the passing of healthcare reform in the U.S., today looks bright and sunny and happy. Can't wait for the S&B tonight with my girls. Working on that second scarf now!

A Day To Remember

     I had been looking forward to today for weeks.  There were moments when I didn’t think it would happen, but it did and it was better than I could have hoped for.  I got to wake up next to Sam this morning, something I didn’t expect.  I don’t know how long it will last but I have learned to take life’s little joys where they come.  I had so much to do today to get ready for the Ballet.  After Sam left for work I got up and answered some emails.  I tried to take care of some personal business and then I got myself dressed and headed out to the mall.  I had shoes to buy.  I already found the dress courtesy of twentyfour.

The shoes were tricky.  All I could find were not so pretty shoes that they were charging $100-$250 for.  Clothes are NOT cheap here in Israel.  In fact, they are much more expensive than in the States at the SAME store.  I ended up purchasing a cute pair of black stiletto pumps from Zara.  They cost me about $35 and the look amazing.  Not too dressy, workable with casual wear, re-useable, and Sam approved.  it was the last store I went to at the mall.  I had my shoes but I was still missing pretty much everything I needed for my hair.  So I went to the big center.  I ran over to BeautyCare and bought everything… clips, hairspray, bobby pins, even extensions (which turned out to be this hideous orange color.  yuck!)  Got some lunch at McDonalds and went home to get started.

     My hair took hours.  I couldn’t figure out what the heck to do with it.  In the end I did a side swept bang and a bundle of curls.  Sam got home about 6:30 looking really good and of course… I wasn’t finished.  I worked fast and got my makeup on, then got dressed.  I came out of the room when I was done changing and Sam’s jaw fell open LITERALLY!  It was great.  All he could manage at first was “Wow!”  I felt amazing.  That was the reaction I wanted.  The Ballet was scheduled to begin at 7:30pm so we had to hurry.  I felt like a princess.  He opened my door and offered me his hand and escorted me to the theater.  The theater here is new, just a few months old, and it is amazingly beautiful.  Extremely small by American standards but lacking nothing.  Sam got us tickets dead center (great seats).  The show started about 15 minutes late (they were on Jewish time) But when it did… the show was beautiful.  Tchaikovsky's “Sleeping Beauty”  It was my first ballet.  Sam wasn’t thrilled about going but he sat through it anyway and I loved every minute of it.  Afterward, we came home to change and went out to Coca to eat.  Neither of us had eaten anything since early afternoon and by this time it was 11pm.  It was a really great night.  It ended as it should have, I fell asleep in bed next to Sam.   

Sam Speaks

While I still don’t know why he walked out, (Sam still won’t tell me) at least he’s speaking to me again. We’ve been out on a few dates since the incident and things seem to be going ok again. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions because I’m afraid if I let myself get too comfortable again, he will pull the rug out from under me. He still hasn’t moved back yet. He says he needs some time, that he will come back, he just needs to get his head together.

I can understand this and I am trying to give him his space and not push but it’s leaving me with a few issues of my own. It is taking a lot of effort to trust him. It’s not his fault, after years of every major man in my life taking and taking and giving back nothing… it takes its toll. But I WAS starting to trust him. He almost begged me to trust him. I let my guard down and gave him everything I had left. Literally the day before he left I looked into his eyes during a very intimate moment and told him I trusted him with my life. He walked out the next day. He still feels I have no right to be upset with him.

I am fighting the tough girl in me. The girl that says "Why the hell are you giving him so much power over you, stupid.” The girl who wants to go out of town for a few days to live it up with her girlfriends and not even tell him first. THAT girl wants to scream, screw you! THAT girl wants him to know she’s not at his beckon call. She’s not going to wait around pining over him hoping he will call and getting depressed when he won’t even call just to say good night. THAT girl wants to kick this girl’s ass because that girl knows we deserve better than waiting at home for her man to come back to her.

This situation makes me feel very pathetic. I feel like I’m just taking it. I am literally just waiting around for him to come home. No semblance of a life outside of him. He says he wants me to be more independent, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I think he wants me to be malleable, but strong enough to get a little aggressive when his mood requires. Does that make sense? He says I’m too tough girl… always looking for a fight, always needing to win. But what am I now? Weak? Pathetic?

He should be calling ME asking me where I am and why I didn’t call. Instead I wait around… afraid to make plans because maybe he’ll call and want to spend time with me. And when he DOES call… I jump at his will… drop everything I’m doing, and run to his side because I don’t know when the next time will be or if tomorrow… he might leave for good. He doesn’t get what it did to me when he walked out. He lost my trust. He has to earn it back again. But the way he made me feel when he finally talked to me was as if I was the bad guy. As if I should be earning HIS trust back. I wasn’t the one who walked out!!!

This is how I’ve been feeling… but of course I can’t say this to him because if I do he will get all offended and angry and “Your making this all about you again” on me and leave. And despite the fact that I’m not being entirely true to myself… I’d rather have him in my life. I don’t think I could survive without him and it scares me not only to death but into submission.

From the night we first talked... a little bit drink here.

I AM EYEORE!

:::DISCLAIMER:::    

First I would like to warn everyone… Despite what you read here, please do not call the cops on me or send me cryptic “I’m going to have you committed” emails.  I like to vent my pain and frustration.  Often this is the only place I can do it.  So despite my being severely depressed and in a world of pain right now… I will not kill myself.  I am too terrified of death to do it.  Or maybe I’m just too much of a coward.  Either way it is vastly unlikely.

Thank You.

Now…

     Sam Walked out on me yesterday.  I have no earthly idea why.  He refused to answer my phone calls and frantic texts all day yesterday until I threatened to call the police to find out if he was safe.  Then, all I got was “I am ok” is that all I’m worth to him?  This the man who swore he wanted to marry me and have a family with me.  He never even bothered to explain why he left.  I still don’t know, even now.  He has left me broken and in severe pain. 

     I have nothing.  I have no one.  Everyone here has their own problems, they can’t handle mine too.  My few options terrify me.  I can go crawling back to my ex’s family here in Israel and suffer a secluded and suffocated life with people who by definition should hate me or I can go crawling, groveling, and ass-kissing, my way back to the U.S. and beg my family and my Ex to take me back so that I can live in a country I can’t stand, suffering in a miserable marriage to a man who looks at me like property and without an ounce of passion. 

     I don’t have much in my life.  I never did.  People came into my life, took whatever they could and left before they could get stuck with me.  Everyone took from me.  My family took my spirit, because they couldn’t find solace in their own life… they took it from mine.  Misery loves company you know.  Men have taken my virtue over and over again both with and without my cooperation.  My Ex stole my ability to openly trust a commitment, and my thought that I was a good and decent wife.  He made me feel like I wasn’t worth loving. 

     Sam… G-d help me, but Sam is a man that I am head over heels, undeniably in love with.  Normally I am the one to walk out, leave the relationship before I get hurt, I never bother to make an effort when things get bad.  This man had me on my knees begging him to stay (the first time he tried to walk out) and I begged, gladly.  Maybe this is what HE will take from me… My self respect, my dignity, considering I am willing to chase him, but he won’t even follow me to another room.  Either way, he stole my heart and despite the fact that I told him I could not mentally handle having it broken again… that is exactly what he has been doing. 

     I have been trying to figure out, what are his intentions.  Maybe he is scared to commit to someone, I think he truly enjoys his solitude.  He keeps things from me without a reason… it makes me nervous.  I think he is even more skilled at pushing away someone he is beginning to love than I am.  And that is saying A LOT!  He has found every excuse he can and in this case… no excuse at all.  If he is looking to destroy another person, he has succeeded. 

     Even with my Ex, I may have walked out on him but I never considered an option of ending my life to avoid living without him in it.  With Sam… I’m worried to the point that I don’t think I should be alone.  Lucky for me this blog and these words give me a small comfort.  I feel as though there are people out there in the great cyberspace that are listening and sitting with me.    I feel empty.  Like he’s taken everything I had left and run away.  Now I’m left holding an empty bag wondering how I can fill it.  I have nothing more to give, nothing more to move forward with.  I didn’t have much left but what I had I gladly gave to him.  Now its gone and I’m empty.

     How much does G-d expect me to take?  How many times can I be hurt, violated and beaten down to nothing before I make an early exit from this life?  People tell me all the time that I am one of the strongest people they know.  I can’t see what they see.  I am so scared and unbelievably weak.  The difference between them and I is that I have grown accustom to the constant pain and emptiness, the abuse and hate that has filtered through my life for as long as I can remember.  I am use to giving everything I have and getting nothing in return.  I am use to giving everything I have until I have nothing left, and then giving them my very last breathe. 

     I am living with Sam.  He has told me repeatedly that if anything should happen to us that he would give me the apartment and help me with whatever (groceries, bills, connections) I needed to get on my feet.  I would not care so much if I could afford this apartment on  my own.  I can’t.  He expects me to take these things from him.  As if I can be bought or supported.  What does he want, a quickie every few days when his slutty one night stands fall through?  It makes me feel worthless.  It makes me feel like a high class hooker.  Even if he never asked for sex… I would still feel like his property.

     Aside from the way that situation makes me feel… he will have no home.  He will live with his mother.  How is that fair to him?  This is his home.  I need to leave this place as soon as I can.  I don’t think he will ever really know how much I love him and what place he keeps in my heart.  He never wanted to see it.  He didn’t want to see that he was worth loving, that he deserved better than what he had in his life up to that point.  I guess I am just one more person’s mistake.  I always was.  Even my father thinks so.  According to him… I should have been born a boy or not at all… and G-d knows I’ve disappointed him in life.  Like I said, just another mistake, just another notch in your bedpost, just another number to your growing list of those not good enough to make you happy.  

     You know… I have this issue when I’m depressed.  I like to over eat.  I mean BINGE.  I eat everything in sight and the higher calorie count the better.  So it causes another necessity… breakup anorexia.  Sounds crazy I know.  Especially since I had a small issue with this when I was a teenager.  But it is what it is… Option A or Option B and considering I’m being dumped… I prefer to be skinny as well. 

     So there you go… I have no job, I am running out of money, I’m starving my self voluntarily, I’ve yet again shown my parents that I am their number 1 screw up, I have no love in my life, and I’ve become a burden to the few people here who still love me.  I’m a mess.  I’m a big crying, depressed, ball of fattiness. 

I’M EYEORE!

The Shit Hit The Fan

     My family found out that I have a boyfriend.  It wasn’t planned.  I was just looking for a date or two to get use to the Israeli dating culture.  Instead I found an amazing guy and a meaningful relationship.  I hid this from my family and certain friends for the last two weeks because I thought there would be an excessive amount of judgment that I couldn’t handle.  I was right.  The backlash has started. 

     Last night Sam told my mom we were together.  I tried to tell him it would only make things harder for us, but I understood why he wanted to come out into the open with things.  He knows I hate lying and that keeping track of who knew the truth was taking its toll on me.  My mom seemed to take it fairly well at first.  I thought to my self, ok so she is relatively calm about it… maybe I can just let the truth flow and tell everyone the truth. 

     There is something you need to know about my family and their closest friends… they are the WORST kind of gossips.  The only way to keep your private life private is to either shut them out all together or lie.  Lying is usually the way I go as, for some ung-dly reason, despite knowing it would be better for me I can’t seem to cut them out all together.  

     Last night during the conversation Sam had with my mom it seemed as though everything would be ok.  So what you may ask was the cause of all the drama today?  :::dramatic music plays::: I changed my Facebook status.  OMG!  Yes I did it.  I confess.  I changed my Facebook status to say that I was in a Relationship.  This is the truth, but my mother freaked out and told me that I was slapping my Ex and his family in the face. 

     I was reminded that I had stayed with them “for free” (despite paying for groceries several times and paying the rent twice) for 6 months and now I moved out and was divorcing their son.  So how dare I slap their hospitality in the face.  Never mind that I sat in that house being a good little girl.  I never went out on a date, never hit on guys, never behaved with ill-approach for 6 months straight.  It was only after I decided to start dating Sam that moved out and got on with my life.  So how am I the bad person here?  Did he not tell me to go have sex with another man while we were married because he was too lazy to pay attention to me?  How is it that I get criticized over this.  Just because the divorce is not finalized. 

     I feel like I am being attacked.  I also feel like my family is more concerned with the emotional well being of my Ex than with me.  I am their daughter, I am going through a MUTUAL divorce.  I feel that I have to emphasize the “mutual” part because they forget that he wants a divorce too.  I moved to a new country with a new language, on the other side of the world.  You would think they would have a bit more compassion.  You would think that they would see that the fact that I found a new guy in my life who cares for me and is helping me find my way here is a great thing.  Something to be pleased about.

     I have seen more action with regards to establishing my new life in the few weeks Sam has been around than in the whole 6 months that my Ex and his family we’re supposedly “helping” me.  This is my life now and whether Sam and I are forever or for right now, this is what is making me happy and this is the choice I have made.  I will accept the consequences that come along with it, but those who pass judgments… may you be judged just as harshly. 

Mistakes of the Past Have a Way of Finding Us.

     You’ll have to forgive the vagueness of this post.  Occasionally I feel like I have to write, vent really and as much as I need to vent… there are some things that the public need not know in detail.

     I have begun to fall back in to old and terribly destructive habits.  I know I have an addictive personality.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out when you have impulse control issues.  I have worked so very hard to control what, in the past has controlled me.  Lately I have failed miserably. 

     I have made decisions that affect me on an emotionally unstable level.  I thought those things were behind me, that I have grown up and moved on.  I am still the same scared little girl I always was. 

     The main issue that I am referring to has me going out of my mind over thinking everything.  How can I be ashamed of myself and pleased with myself in the same moment.  I know I’ve ruined a potentially good thing by my actions, but I can’t bring myself to regret what I did.  I enjoyed myself, and for a moment, maybe the first moment in such a long time… I was happy.

A Darker Day

     Normally the rain gets my mood rising.  It makes me all calm and content.  For some reason it’s having the opposite effect today.  Or maybe it’s just the crash of a Holiday high.  I woke up today very depressed.  Sometimes it just feels like my world crashes around me.  Like nothing ever works out for the best.  At least not in my world. 

     I lost the apartment to another girl in Jerusalem.  It is very depressing, especially since I get a Purim night phone call from Kobi’s brother telling me once I get back to Be’er Sheva, I need to pack up almost all of my possessions and put them in storage since there is really no room for me in the new apartment.  WTF!?!  Yet another reason I desperately need to get out.  That’s after the fact that I’m divorcing this woman’s son and I am still living in her house. 

     Then there is Purim, something I was really looking forward to.  Well, the likelihood of a fun night is pretty much shot since it has been raining here for four days straight.  I was supposed to go as an 80’s style Madonna.  No, no, not the cone bra Madonna, the tights, mini skirt, and a loose T-shirt with crazy curly hair Madonna.  I helped Rivka with her costume too.  She’s Alex (Jennifer Bieals) from Flashdance.  Her outfit is really great too.  Now we may not get to use them.  Either way… Damn do I need a beer!

     I have to admit that all of this stuff going on with me is starting to weight on me.  I know how I tend to react to a crumbling future… Just ask my college friends.   I see Alcoholic Amy making a pathetic comeback.  I doubt I would let things get that bad again but the worry is still there.  My friend told me last night that she admired me and my strength because if it was her she could never handle what I’ve been handling with such confidence and positivity.  Little does she know that I am two feet from breaking down inside.  I am lucky she is such a good friend and I have her around to stop me from cracking.

     I am trying to move on but this is HARD.  I am trying to make a life from scratch with no support, no money, and no local connections to help me move ahead.  Imagine everything you have and everything you have ever known has been pulled away from you and now you have to try to make it all on your own.  Oh an did I mention everyone speaks Swahili?  Life would be a borderline nightmare for you.

     Welcome to my world.  I cannot go backwards and I am struggling just to put one foot forward.  I wish I was stronger.  I wish I could hate the people who led me here because at least the anger would keep me motivated.  I can’t.  I hate that they took everything from me… even my anger.

     As the Grusian (Georgian) saying goes… The sun is crying today, and so am I.

Purim

Purim… Last year was an oddity. This year… an experience. Aside from the fact that I dropped my iPhone and shattered the glass screen. Luckily I didn’t break the LCD screen. After Shabbat on Saturday I went with Rivka and her family to the synagogue to hear the Migillah (the Story of Ester). After the services I went down to the lobby and during an attempt to take a few photos… Crack. Apparently marble floors are bad for phones. Oops, who knew. The first night of Purim was slow. Just the synagogue services and a trip back to Jerusalem, but Sunday night was a little different.

After spending all night working on my Madonna costume and having a light dinner with friends we set out. First was a small and tightly packed bar with Rivka, and several of her friends from work. It was fun until Rivka decided she wanted to go home early. She insisted that I stay and enjoy my night with Gal and some of the other girls. So I did. I met some weird kids who followed me around like puppy dogs for a while and then Gal and I left to go to another bar… Shoshana.

Shoshana was a reminder that I am not 18 anymore. I danced with friends for a while, had a few shots of Vodka, had Arrack (a licorice type of clear liquor that I hate BTW) poured all over me. Literally all over my shirt. Apparently the bartender can’t pour a bottle shot to save his life. Later in the evening I found myself dancing on the bar with Gal. Again, flashback… remember Chris… lol

The evening ended earlier than I would have liked but I still had fun. I guess that was the important part… to experience, document, and have fun. Here’s to hoping next year will surpass the last. Never know… maybe next year we’ll go crazy in Tel Aviv!

Traditional Shabbat

GeoTagged, [N31.78903, W35.21025]

On my way behind the green line for Shabbat. Since I will be joining Rivka's family for the night and they keep Shabbat, I will not be able to blog while I am there. So I thought I would write a little bit on the way. This is my third time in the West Bank. I love it here. There are mountain villages and miles of beautiful lush green landscape. I know how worried everyone gets when I come here but it really is very safe. The Jewish villages are miltary guarded and separated from the larger Arabic communities. One odd and unique fact I learned in my past trips... The Arabic and Jewish villages use different colored lights. I know it sounds weird but it's true. The Arabic villages use halogin looking white lights and the Jewish villages use yellowish colored ones. Talk about profiling huh? That type of thing would never happen in America. But it keeps the people here a little safer so I'm ok with it.

I am excited to see where Rivka grew up. I will try to make a blog about it after Shabbat and maybe add a few more photos.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Purim!

The Dating Difference

     I have to mention this… Dating in Israel.  I have recently had the need to start dating again after a very long sabbatical.  Now I don’t pretend I’m a supermodel, the world knows I’m not.  I also do not think that I am the greatest gift to single men, but I do know quite a lot about dating and single men…  Years of practice and failure. ;)  Here in Israel however, things are… well…  It certainly explains my past relationships with Israelis. 

     In America if I liked a guy or wanted him to talk to me I would give him the sexy eye.  I know the Ladies know what I’m talking about.  The look you give a guy that says “Yeah, I’m looking, and I like what I see.  Come say Hi if your interested.”  And that look works almost every time.  NOT IN ISRAEL!  Here when you give a guy the sexy eye, sometimes he smiles back.  When he does that is a good response.  Usually I get a look and then nothing.  When I get the smile, it usually goes… Smile, turn and ignore. 

     This, as you can imagine has been incredibly annoying.  No wonder these people wait until they are almost 30 to get married… they don’t have the guts to talk to a girl.  So…  I really don’t understand how it works.  Is there a secret code they teach you in the Army that I missed out on?  Seriously, it’s THAT bad.  I’m trying to learn how things work here.  The men are not aggressive at all which is shocking considering the women are ALWAYS decked out in their best clothes when they leave the house.

     I realize that for all intensive purposes I am American and the men in America and forever being seen as the rough and tumble cowboy type.  But still… Some European countries have a reputation for aggressive men too.  So what’s Israel’s malfunction?  My theory… This country has a hard time just surviving.  The people here have developed a hard shell.  It is in their nature to be aggressive and distant until they get to know you.  If women in the U.S. were as aggressive as the ladies here… the men in America might be castrated by fear.

     So I will continue to put myself out there like fish bait and hope I get a bite.  I’ll keep you posted!

Size Conversion

I am finally begining to learn the metric conversions here. It is funny how size relates across the world. I am dieting for instance and it's nice because my weight is a smaller number in metric. lol. And for a woman and her weight... The smaller the number the better!
The size conversion relates elsewhere too. The men here are typically very short and the women are often taller than the men. The vegitation here is oddly misproportioned too. They have the most beautiful roses here and they grow to the size of an American grapefruit which here, grows to about the size of your head. Now that's what I call a breakfast food.
It is so interesting to see how food, time, people, everything here differs from back home. This country truely holds warm in my heart. Dispite occassionally having my issues with it, this place makes me never want to go home.

I'll try to post a picture of the gargantuan roses.

P.S. I'm in the holy city for the week so look for a Jerusalem post and lots of fun pictures.

At Least It Keeps Me Busy

So my sister FINALLY opened her salon at her house. She got a sink, wax machine, hair dryer, towel warmer. It all looks so great and soon she is going to paint! I am so excited and wish desperately I was there to help her. I did however, get to make her a Facebook Fan Page which was fun.

I haven’t had a lot to do lately so it was nice to have something to focus on. I hope I can work on a website, but I am holding off to see how well things go with her Salon and fan page.

Feel free to become a fan, the more the better!

Errands Today

     I spent another night without sleep.  It sucks but I’m making it work.  If I can stay up until at least 8pm I might get myself back onto a normal schedule.  I went to the bakery this morning and got myself some cheese and pizza bourekas.  Then I went down to the Veggie Market and bought some zucchini and carrots.  The veggies here are so yummy. 

     Today my tasks are to ship some stuff to my sister for her birthday and get my iPhone fixed.  I need to get a box to put the stuff in.  I am shipping her some cute boots and warm and fuzzy slippers for her birthday.  I am also sending her some dead sea mud for her new salon. 

     As for my iPhone… I hope I can get it fixed.  After it’s fixed I’ve got to get more minutes.  Its going to be an expensive day.  Oh and did I mention I have no money and my paycheck is late.  Oh Boy!

Restless & Stressed

It has been another sleepless night. I know it's a combination of things: stress, awful matress (or better termed futon with a disability), tv, Grey's Anatomy, Farmville, Facebook, and of course the crumbling state of my marriage and the prospect of dating all the toolbags around here. But it's wearing on me or my sanity that is. I feel like I never see daylight unless it's daybreak and I'm closing the shutters to escape it. I need to see a sleep specialist. The immidiate threat is that I'm not getting any of my paperwork done because I can't manage to wake up during business hours. Not to mention my 2am workouts are attracting unwanted attention. I think I need to take a trip up north again to see my friends.

I'll keep you posted on what happens next. Hope I get a bit more consistant with this whole blogging thing.

Oh BTW I started a new crochet project. I hope it gets finished.

Aliyah

So in case you haven't heard... I've decided to stay in israel until further notice. Which means I need to make Aliyah. There is some paperwork necesary to do this so that is what I have been working on. Working isn't the best word as I haven't done much in the way of work. I don't know if I've just been so tired lately and having difficulty sleeping or if I am avoiding doing the paperwork. I think a bit of both. I'm pretty sure I have a thyroid condition. My mom has it and it's heretitary not to mention I have every symptom of the illness.
It causes fatigue, over sleeping, and rapid weight gain. Those are three of my most prodominent symptoms but I can't get it checked out until I finish making Aliyah. Talk about your double edged sword. I am still waiting to get paid from that job I did last month. I need the cash so I can send my little sister her birthday gift. Here's to hoping I get it soon.

Cheers!

Hebrew FAIL!

So once again my lack of understanding of the Hebrew language fails me.  I went to sleep so late last night but still got up early in the morning after only 4.5 hours of sleep.  I played on facebook for a while and then went to say ‘good morning’ to Jaklin.  She was digging through her moving boxes and I asked her why.  She said she accidentally packed her good shoes for the wedding.  I asked when the wedding was and from what she said I thought the wedding was tonight.  So I rushed out to see if I could find a dress to wear.  I found a cute skirt but when I came home exhausted and in need for a nap I asked my mother in law what time the wedding was tonight.  She said no, no, next week. 

Woops.  Another interlingual misunderstanding. 

Slacker!!

I realized I had been slacking in my blogging duties so I decided to update my blog using my Facebook status updates as a guide.